Adventures in Depression

Some people have a legitimate reason to feel depressed, but not me. I just woke up one day feeling sad and helpless for absolutely no reason.


It's disappointing to feel sad for no reason. Sadness can be almost pleasantly indulgent when you have a way to justify it - you can listen to sad music and imagine yourself as the protagonist in a dramatic movie. You can gaze out the window while you're crying and think "This is so sad. I can't even believe how sad this whole situation is. I bet even a reenactment of my sadness could bring an entire theater audience to tears."

But my sadness didn't have a purpose.  Listening to sad music and imagining that my life was a movie just made me feel kind of weird because I couldn't really get behind the idea of a movie where the character is sad for no reason.


Essentially, I was being robbed of my right to feel self pity, which is the only redeeming part of sadness.

And for a little bit, that was a good enough reason to pity myself.


Standing around feeling sorry for myself was momentarily exhilarating, but I grew tired of it quickly. "That will do," I thought. "I've had my fun, let's move on to something else now." But the sadness didn't go away.

I tried to force myself to not be sad.


But trying to use willpower to overcome the apathetic sort of sadness that accompanies depression is like a person with no arms trying to punch themselves until their hands grow back.  A fundamental component of the plan is missing and it isn't going to work. 


When I couldn't will myself to not be sad, I became frustrated and angry. In a final, desperate attempt to regain power over myself, I turned to shame as a sort of motivational tool.

 

But, since I was depressed, this tactic was less inspirational and more just a way to oppress myself with hatred.


Which made me more sad. 


Which then made me more frustrated and abusive.


And that made me even more sad, and so on and so forth until the only way to adequately express my sadness was to crawl very slowly across the floor.


The self-loathing and shame had ceased to be even slightly productive, but it was too late to go back at that point, so I just kept going. I followed myself around like a bully, narrating my thoughts and actions with a constant stream of abuse.


I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE.


Slowly, my feelings started to shrivel up. The few that managed to survive the constant beatings staggered around like wounded baby deer, just biding their time until they could die and join all the other carcasses strewn across the wasteland of my soul.

I couldn't even muster up the enthusiasm to hate myself anymore.


I just drifted around, completely unsure of what I was feeling or whether I could actually feel anything at all.


If my life was a movie, the turning point of my depression would have been inspirational and meaningful. It would have involved wisdom-filled epiphanies about discovering my true self and I would conquer my demons and go on to live out the rest of my life in happiness.

Instead, my turning point mostly hinged upon the fact that I had rented some movies and then I didn't return them for too long.

The late fees had reached the point where the injustice of paying any more than I already owed outweighed my apathy. I considered just keeping the movies and never going to the video store again, but then I remembered that I still wanted to re-watch Jumanji.

I put on some clothes, put the movies in my backpack and biked to the video store. It was the slowest, most resentful bike ride ever.


And when I arrived, I found out that they didn't even have Jumanji in.

Just as I was debating whether I should settle on a movie that wasn't Jumanji or go home and stare in abject silence, I noticed a woman looking at me weirdly from a couple rows over.


She was probably looking at me that way because I looked really, really depressed and I was dressed like an eskimo vagrant.

Normally, I would have felt an instant, crushing sense of self-consciousness, but instead, I felt nothing.



I've always wanted to not give a fuck. While crying helplessly into my pillow for no good reason, I would often fantasize that maybe someday I could be one of those stoic badasses whose emotions are mostly comprised of rock music and not being afraid of things. And finally - finally - after a lifetime of feelings and anxiety and more feelings, I didn't have any feelings left. I had spent my last feeling being disappointed that I couldn't rent Jumanji.

I felt invincible.


And thus began a tiny rebellion.


Then I swooped out of there like the Batman and biked home in a blaze of defiant glory.


And that's how my depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton.

4,237 comments:

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Nina said...

You are awesome and I'm sorry you were feeling sad.

zacbaaske said...

Hey Allie,
The entire time i was reading this i just kept thinking "Oh here it comes. Here comes the funny uplifting part." It never came. =/ You and Boyfriend didn't break up did you?

Sorry if i shouldn't have asked,
Zac

Alison said...

I was so excited to see a new post!! And then so sad to see you battling with--ugh--depression. (another "been there"...) And then amazed that you made it funny! And still a little sad, because I know that one fine day doesn't cure it. So now I'm a little worried that you're still suffering, somewhere behind my computer screen.

But your pictures rock. Be nice to yourself, m'kay?

BookGeek said...

I'm not sure how you did it, but you just made depression funny...and inspiring...and I feel like I can do SO MANY THINGS NOW! Stupid depression!

Anonymous said...

And when I reached that same point of feeling invincible myself, I tandem-parachuted out of a helicopter in the Swiss Alps (no joke-I have a DVD). And then when I didn't feel anything, I knew something was wrong.

A few years later I have medication, but I still have my bad periods now and then. And they are exactly how you just described yours. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I thank you for posting this---I think you captured depression in one of the bests ways I've ever seen.

Gooter said...

I love you Allie! *hug*

Ember said...

I've had days like this lately and seeing the drawing of you rebelliously buying a pile of skittles and horor movies honestly cheered me up.

Keep being you!

Anonymous said...

Thanks for ripping the sad out of me. Going to the gym where I think I'll find "Goodbye Earl" by the Dixie Chicks on my iPod and sing out loud. Thx.

kelly glenn said...

OH MY GOSH YOU"RE BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yayayaaayy!

Anonymous said...

I had been waiting and waiting and waiting for you to come back! Seriously my whole family is obsessed with your blog. please dont leave! you should get skittles to support your bike racing jersey!

Anonymous said...

That's SO me and depression. Hope you are getting some help! (Don't wait to hit rock bottom, it's really bad down there and totally not worth a tour) Thanks for the laughs!

Jenn said...

Been there! And I'm so glad to see a new post! You were missed!

DL said...

Thank you. This was an accurate description of depression and it's nice to see a description I can actually identify with. I hope this will help others to understand what it's like... because it's just impossible to understand until you've experienced the sadness of being sad for no reason and being said because of THAT.

I'm doing my laundry when I get home from work.

Murpedo said...

Holy crap. You posted something new. Welcome back! :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the post!

Neely said...

Reading this, I got the creepy sensation that you had opened some sort of Lovecraftian portal into my depression-space where your depression and my depression got together and talked about how much life sucks. Thank you for sharing this - every person who shares their story like this helps chip away at the stigma that oppresses anyone who has ever struggled with depression. You RULE!

Anonymous said...

You are awesome.

Armadillos are also awesome.

Please write something about armadillos.

Br00ke said...

OMG I tried to follow you and it said you had the MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF FOLLOWERS!!!! if that doesnt make you famous, i dont know what does. On a less happy note it wouldnt let me follow you. now I have to physically type your blog into my browser. my life is over.

Br00ke said...

OMG I tried to follow you and it said you had the MAXIMUM AMOUNT OF FOLLOWERS!!!! if that doesnt make you famous, i dont know what does. On a less happy note it wouldnt let me follow you. now I have to physically type your blog into my browser. my life is over.

Anonymous said...

I've been struggling with depression for 15 years now and I couldn't describe it better than you just did, or in a funnier/funner way. I hope you get better, and that you never stop enjoying the small things like Skittles overdoses, it's what gets me through the day.

Anonymous said...

Allie, I know exactly how it feels to be in this type of situation, and while I'm sorry for your derpession, its comforting to know that im not alone -hug- dont forget to look at the bright side of life every now and then.

Itako said...

You go girl!! Go lick that spider, you'll feel better.....
Its good to see you back

Anonymous said...

Glad to have you back. Dying to know if you touched a spider...

Alexandra said...

YOU GO GIRL. SO proud that you could tell your story, you make your community smile. <3

blessedmama said...

So glad you came through! Still lookin' forward to the book.

Nina said...

This really hit home for me. Excellent post.

The Fatty said...

aWeSOme! So hApPY tO SeE YOu BaCk uP aNd BacK on ThE bLog AlLiE . . .

Karen said...

That's super creepy. Exactly my story. Crying+movies+biking = Nothing can do anything to me! Were you spying on me?

Anonymous said...

Just to point out, I've been there, and be careful. The super-invincible exoskeleton can result in extremely silly behaviour and I have the scars to prove it, be careful and be well

Anonymous said...

I actually related to this a LOT.

Anonymous said...

That was the longest non-Allie period of my LIFE! I'm SO glad to see a post! My day is made, and I was having a bad one. <3 <3

Anonymous said...

Okay, so I actually read it. This is really related to how I've been feeling lately. "Nothing can do anything to me." Love it, I should live by that.

Jennings Davis said...

I <3 you. I hope you feel better.

Melissa said...

GREAT work on this post Allie! I can't imagine how hard this was for you but I think its fantastic that you're using your pain to create art like this. Just reading the thousands of comments, you can see how many people you're helping just by doing something that you're AWESOME at! Keep it up!!!!!!!!!!! Lots of love,
Melissa

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE INTERNET FAMOUS

Anonymous said...

I'm glad you're feeling better!

Anonymous said...

I just wanted to say that I admire you for being so honest about yourself. You have a sharp sense of humor and you really put yourself out there. You are insanely brave, and you are very inspiring to me! I know you likely get a million comments like this, but I hope this makes you feel all warm and fuzzy.
P.S. Your blog gives me something to look forward to at work :)

Unknown said...

8D Great to see you are feeling better! It's nice to have you back and you are hilarious as ever darling!

Anonymous said...

The :D face as you ride home triumphantly makes me feel so inexplicably happy I could cry.

Cori said...

lmao only this blog could make me crack up about depression.

missmichellini said...

Allie, you might not ever read this because you have ridiculous outpouring of support and love in the form of comments, but I wanted to add my voice to the chorus.
When I was reading your post I really related to everything you went through. I mean, I couldn't possibly know for certain and everyone is different and I don't want to undermine your suffering, but I just wanted to say that being able to laugh about it and knowing that someone else has been through something similar to me has given me hope. Your entire blog has been inspiring and preposterously hilarious, and I really admire that even though you have a ton of readers now you still won't back down from telling the truth and putting yourself out there.
Thank you for writing and drawing and continuing to make my life better every time you post something new.

Poppy said...

Allie, the way that you can make jokes about your depression (and make them really funny) just shows how strong, incredible, and hilarious you are. Keep riding that bike! I'm rooting for you. <3

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for your honesty in this post. Reading it made me realize that this is exactly how I feel, and that I actually am depressed, which I've never admitted before.
And it made me laugh.
So, thanks :)

Julia Rashid said...

Hey! Happy to see a new post! I was wondering what happened there for a while, but I suppose this post explains that. It takes a lot of courage to, not only survive depression, but to be able to share it with others in a humorous way. From one who's been there and back, I hear ya! Can't wait to hear more of your adventures!

-Julia R.

Jen said...

Been there. Am there. Never read anyone describe it so well. Made my husband read this post. Glad to feel like I'm not alone.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this made my night a little better.
Thanks Allie!

Laura said...

Thank you for making me really laugh today----so awesome!!

Anonymous said...

Glad you're feeling better.

Nakedinthesun said...

I'm pretty sure you just changed my life... And gave me an achievable goal. You rock.

Anonymous said...

Depression is awful.
Thank you so much for writing your blog, it really makes me feel like less of a freak and more of an normal person.
If that makes sense.
*Hug*
-yosnowden

Jenna said...

i have been reading your blog for....well....not that long. i found it because someone shared your god of cake post on fb (well, i'm sure it had already been share-passed for like ever). but i have been waiting for quite awhile for a new post. figured maybe you wouldn't write here anymore what with all your time getting taken up from writing a BOOK. ANYway. all that to say, i laughed so hard at this post that i cried. i have struggled much in the past with self hatred....and, well, if this story is even close to true, i guess that explains where you were. when you're depressed NOTHING gets done. so i get that. keep writing! you are one of the funniest persons i've ever read.

satan augustine said...

Allie - I can really relate to much of what you said in this post. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17. That was 24 and a half years ago. I actually had good reasons to be depressed at the time, though those reasons did not explain the unbearable, terrifying intensity of my depression. I've had several recurrences throughout my life - so many that further recurrences are guaranteed - and many of those recurrences have hit me out of the blue, with no apparent connection to what was going on in my life, but I've also had recurrences that were obviously triggered by painful, stressful life events. I too got to the point where I felt sort of invincible and also had the attitude that I could do anything. (As a side note, I highly recommend the 1993 movie "Fearless" with Jeff Bridges. There's much to relate to in that movie, including the ending). The problem is that that didn't last. Having to live life with consequences eventually infringed upon my new "reality." I sincerely hope that your solution works for you, but I suggest being a bit careful. The freedom you feel now is a wonderful feeling. In my experience, that never lasts. Perhaps you will be different.

mishelynne said...

Thank you for this post! As far as my experience goes, you captured the internal dialogue of depression so well. xo

iandloveandyou said...

This is beautiful. And brave. As someone that takes meds for depression and anxiety, it's incredible to see someone with such a large fan base willing to talk so openly about it. From now on, when I'm trying to explain depression to someone, I'm directing them to this post. :) I hope you continue to keep climbing up and out every day.

Anonymous said...

All I can say is that I can totally relate to everything you just said. I've been through all those things you described (minus the awesome horror movie/skittle rebellion). So thanks for posting this. It's nice to not feel so alone for once! :D

Anonymous said...

If I ever go back to being a mental health counselor I'm taking your cartoon along to help out.

SALUD said...

Allie, I want to give you like a thousand million hugs. Thank you for opening up about your depression- most of us readers don't know you personally, but we care about you!

Alfredo Villega
chicas desnudas

lemonysundrops said...

I have begun to have this happen on a regular basis. My breaking point is when I burst into tears over dropping my spoon. And that's when I know I will be getting my period soon.

Jo Somebody said...

I can relate so much, except I'm still waiting for my badass, exoskeleton moment. I'll just revel in your awesomeness for now.

pandapanda said...

Just wanted to say that I thoroughly enjoyed this post... mostly because I kept seeing an angry unicorn on the right yelling at you on the left... :)

Andrea said...

Depression SUCKS. Way to bust through it! Next time you HAVE to make yourself give yourself positive self-talk. Like this: >insert comical cartoon self here< "You can do it! Let's do 3 productive things today! You are awesome! You can do this!" It will make depression go away significantly more quickly, and give you empowering skills for other blue days. You have to try it- because you are awesome! And you CAN do it! :)

Finz said...

I'm glad someone else did/does this

Cat said...

This was such an amazing post. I felt the same this past year. Yet another person, I know, but I felt so alone, and reading your post and all these comments has really touched me. Keep going hun, lots of love, and good luck with the skittles and movies (I ate kitkats and ate kitkats for 4 months haha). Also, I think it was so brave of you to write about this. I struggled even trying to tell my best friend about my depression.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see that you're back with us, and feeling better! I hoped that you were gone because you were working on your book - I'm sorry to hear that it was otherwise. Welcome back - and if you have a relapse, *hugs* and know that it will get better.

Anonymous said...

Hi Allie,

I really love your writing. It's fucking incredible, truthful, and so vulnerable. But at the same time, your actions make me want to throw a brick at your window so you can freak out, wake up, and be more proactive about your happiness (and hopefully run towards the nearest, sharpest object...you know, since a brick just went through your window.)

I suffer/suffered from depression, have ADD, and am poor as fuck (I work as a teacher in NYC.) I decided not to take medication a long time ago and get into a healthy life style, set goals (both short term and long term), and focused on the rephrasing of the stupid phrase "You can change the world," to "I can change MY world." I just finished running the NYC marathon and that was one of my big goals. I raised money for a cancer research organization my friend was getting treated at before she passed away in September. She got married on her deathbed.

I'm sorry I'm rambling. I'm also trying to get my book published (just finished my manuscript.) I guess you inspire my creativity. You have a beautiful gift that I'm glad you've shared with us...but have you shared it with yourself. I know that sentence might not make sense initially, but I think they closer you examine it, the more it will.

I am a complete stranger, and know I shouldn't be giving you any advice, but you have a gift for inspiration...and it should start with you.

Sending you good karma, always.

Anonymous said...

That actually sounds exactly like bipolar disorder... it makes me worry.

County Art Girl said...

You describe depression so well, it is not hyperbole at all! Wish all depression escapes happened been so quickly (and by quickly, I mean through one afternoon's activities rather than that the whole period of your depression was quick).
Hope you really do feel like you can do anything! It seems like you can when I read your blog...

mary z said...

I've been reading your stuff without commenting for not quite a year now. I think it took me about two weeks to go back and read every single thing on your blog, and then I've been rereading favorites every time I want a bit of a boost. I've used The Alot in my freshman writing classes (with due credit given to you, I promise!), and shared the Hyperbole and a Half joy with as many people as I think have a decent sense of humor. ANYWAY, all that backstory to say this: I have never commented on a blog that wasn't written by someone I know personally. I'm commenting now because I've been reading your depression post at least twice a day since I found it--and I found it on the day I started crying again for no reason, which was an odd coincidence. My depression ebbs and flows, and some spells are worse than others, but almost never is it triggered by any actual, legitimate reason to be more sad than any other time in my life. And my life is really pretty good, so I have no excuses. And that's depression for you. The hardest part for me to deal with is the voice in my head telling me how stupid I'm being--that voice that you captured so perfectly in the post. (I also have a third voice, maybe, that tells me I'm being stupid for listening to that second voice's mean things, and then a fourth one pipes up...the hate/guilt/shame voices make it pretty crowded in here sometimes.) It's so hard to explain my depression to people in my life who have never experienced that kind of sadness, and I want to thank you for giving me something I can point to and say, "That. That is what I experience." The other thing I want to thank you for is the end bit-- I laughed my ass off when I came to the picture where you want to "purchase all of these Skittles," and then I realized that I am not quite done yet, either. I just have to hold on a bit longer until I, too, can say that not a single fuck was given that day. So: I don't know you, and you don't know me, and you almost certainly won't see this in the thousands of comments, but what matters is THANK YOU. Sorry for being self-absorbed. You are awesome.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this. You put words to what I've been struggling with and keep struggling with. I wish you all the best!
P.S. You also have the best blog ever!

Tinygami said...

Having survived two major depressions I thank you for choosing to write about a topic that many choose to avoid. Myself included, though I did finally write a blog post about it last year. I truly believe the more common people realize depression is the less stigmatizing it will be. But only you could make a depression post both equally sad and funny at the same time. You are the consummate story teller.

erynfaye said...

You know what I love about this post? You are completely open and vulnerable and yet can make us laugh too. Fabulous, fabulous post on the brutality of depression. Thank you.

Alex Diaz said...

Meaningless sadness, hahaha, it happens! Loved the post!

Anonymous said...

You have this interesting ability to make me cry and laugh at the same time. Half the stuff in this post I've said to myself verbatim over the years. And while that's sad, I couldn't stop laughing at your depiction. And then I felt sad again. "You stupid bitch, you know how this is, why are you laughing at her pain? No wonder nobody likes you."

And then I kept reading, and I was happy you got over it. Maybe I can too? "Of course not, idiot. You're ugly trash, completely unfunny. Exoskeleton? Your lack of feeling makes you subhuman. You dare judge? You don't deserve to get over it. Suffer." I'm apparently still in that stage. Unfortunately being aware of it doesn't make it better. I guess I'll go back to TV Tropes or something.

I feel like this is whiny and stupid and like I shouldn't post it, but I'm going to force myself to hit "Publish". I have to start winning with small battles, right?

So, uh, it was great seeing another post, by the way, if you read this.

Tony said...

F**K YEAH! GO ALLIE!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I sometimes feel like this portion: "I spent months shut in my house, surfing the internet on top of a pile of my own dirty laundry which I set on the couch for "just a second" because I experienced a sudden moment of apathy on my way to the washer and couldn't continue. And then, two weeks later, I still hadn't completed that journey. But who cares - it wasn't like I had been showering regularly and sitting on a pile of clothes isn't necessarily uncomfortable. But even if it was, I couldn't feel anything through the self hatred anyway, so it didn't matter. JUST LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE."

....a very "why bother, it's all pointless" sense of being. What a well-written & funnily-illustrated heartfelt post. Thank you!
~Lisa

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That's exactly what depression is like!!!

Halibrand said...

Allie, I loved you before, now I love you more!

I've been living with constant migraines for the last several years, and it's close enough to what you've been through that I can relate. I also want to bake you cookies and punch the universe for you.

To me (and a bazillion others) this article has been very important, because of a simple secret bonus thingy: you're awesome, and you've been feeling like absolute crap. I've been feeling like absolute crap. Maybe I'm still awesome too!

Anonymous said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That's exactly what depression is like!!!

Anonymous said...

This is WONDERFUL. Now i feel like an idiot for clawing in the opposite direction for so long.

bu said...

Take care allie! =/ i'm sorta feeling the same way too. Eskoskeleton soon! =p

Mitchell said...

I have been in the process of overcoming depression for some time. your descriptions of your experiences were amazingly poignant for me and aside from making me laugh far too hard for comfort also made me feel significantly less alone in my experiences. For that I thank you.

Perhaps the biggest thing that I appreciate is your emphasis that none of this really has meaning. Depression comes and goes as it sees fit, using alien decision mechanisms unknown to mankind. Conquering it requires happenstance and the willingness to seize an opportunity, not some pivotal epiphany.

I have always appreciated your work but this is the time it has touched me the most and felt most personal, so it is the first time I have commented. I hope you have the chance to read this.

Rachel C. said...

I know it's hard. I have a mental illness, and I have to fight every day. Which is something most people don't realize. You have a whole community of people here that you can lean on, come to for help, and talk to whenever you need. Now that you aren't afraid of anything, don't be afraid to ask for help.

verendus said...

I think a lot of people go through this, and I've felt it pretty often, although usually not nearly for that long in one go.

Caren K. said...

Oh, how I appreciate this!

I reached a point in my depression where I was suicidal - really, seriously thinking, "If every day is going to be like this, there is no point." Having that thought? TOTALLY freed me up! I just started laughing and laughing...

I mean, if I'm going to die, what have I got to lose? Nothing! I might as well try to make a life I love, because - if the alternative is death, anything I come up with doesn't matter! It doesn't matter if I look goofy or crazy.

I have loved my life since then.

Anonymous said...

I know that probably no one will ever see this, but I just have to say.

Which horror movies did you get?!
What nightmares did they give you?!

Dryad said...

I so love you right now. You're amazing. Beautiful. I wish you were my best friend. We could sit on piles of dirty laundry together. And eat skittles.
I'm not creepy, I swear.

Lea said...

YAY!!!! So happy you're back. You make me laugh hysterically at work! Sorry I laughed at your depression=)

Anonymous said...

Allie! You just didn't have us to tell you how wonderful you are because you haven't posted in forever! People need to feel appreciated. Allie Brosh...you are fantastic! You give people something to look forward to whenever you post something! We have missed you.

Anonymous said...

ALLIE! Missed you! Welcome back!

MelTheDestroyer said...

This is the best thing I've ever read. I had no idea that what this was was depression or that this was even a Thing That Happens To Other People.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Fuck yeah! Allie's back!!!!

Anonymous said...

This is my life for the past three months. Thank you because I am at my office literally counting down the minutes until I get off so I can go back to feeling apathetic and lying around. I have a fucking appointment with my couch. I cried all night and now everyone at the office is like 0_o "whats wrong with your eyes?!" and i'm like "um allergies. I am allergic to cats" and they say "don't you have two cats?!" and I say "yes. hence the eyes" (true story tho) but I want to scream NO STUPID IVE BEEN TAKING TURNS STARING INTO THE CORNER / SOBBING LIKE A PATHETIC FOOL FOR THE ENTIRE NIGHT!

Then I read this. and I laughed. so. hard.

FIrst real laugh in weeks... no. MONTHS.
Thank you so much.

Kimberly said...

If you're like me then one day you'll wake up and inexplicably feel tired of being sad...

OR you get a good cognitive behavioural therapist. I know it sounds silly, but my bestie was sad for over 15 years and then started to go to one. After awhile she stopped saying mean things to herself and started seeing that it wouldn't always be so bad.

Anonymous said...

happy joy joy, new post! (sad post happyjoyjoy gone)

Anonymous said...

Fuck that guy who said "women..." - A man

Anonymous said...

Hi Allie.

As with dreams, it can be hard to know to what extent a mood should be given a sort of literary/analytical interpretation ('what about my life story so far led to this?'), or understood as a product of physiology requiring only rest, vitamins and time for resolution.

There's another way of looking at it - a sort of middle road between the two - which is to ask questions about how you use your mind, what your mental habits are, and how this might lead to a burnout or down-cycle.

I wonder if you maybe hyperinflate yourself with optimism and positivity, and this is just the inevitable comedown? You get an obvious comedown after a drug-high, but natural brain-highs amount to about the same. Maybe it's possible for these highs and lows to last months as the chemical balance point shifts and gradually rights itself again; I don't know.

I am frankly speculating out of my arse here but if it rings true to you maybe it helps. The explanation presents itself to me mainly due to sheer contrast with my experience - I have my own relative highs and lows but am mostly riding the creamy middles. When I see someone who seems to go to both extremes I have to wonder along these lines.

I tend to want to stay realistic and cautious when good things happen so that I will not blunder into trouble, get swept away by an illusion or set myself up for disappointment. Yeah there's a cost to this, like everything.

Again, I really don't know whether this helps at all; hope so.


G

Girl said...

You are awesome and don't let anyone tell you otherwise! <3 Your posts are always amazing, just like you!

Kate said...

So glad to see a new post from you! Hang in there! Women I think are cursed with being prone to depression--sucks. Especially when you beat yourself up for being depressed and not doing more.

You'll get through it. I have and it takes some work but if you work on it and work on it, eventually you'll be back to normal or even better <3 Start a routine and STICK TO IT--that helps a lot.

Anonymous said...

I have depression too, and it sucks. But it gets better. Your blog has helped me to laugh through the bad times. I hope you are feeling better.

Anonymous said...

Been through it, Allie! You are an amazingly creative person! Not to be creepy, but I honestly think about how you've motivated yourself to write and draw this blog for so long and I think "wow why can't I be more motivated and productive like Allie and not waste ALL my time being ADHD and sad about not having my dream job".

I always love your work and from what I've read about you, you seem like a super awesome person who can eventually find the positive or at least humorous side of anything. And look! You did it again with your own depression! Depression sucks worse than anything but look at you doing something about it! That's the first step--keep going and feel better SOON! I know your readers (me included) wish you the best and offer our support!

J.S. said...

Not to be a total geek, but this sounds like actual clinical depression that might merit a visit with a therapist or some counseling. I've been there, myself, and the piece was extremely well done, but just sort of gut wrenching, especially when coming from a person who is obviously so talented, intelligent, and creative. I hope writing about it helped! I've really enjoyed your stuff, but this might have been the best one yet.

Anonymous said...

Touching story and still funny in its own way. So apt. Been there too. Thanks so much. Praying for you.

Sarah said...

Yayyyy! New post! I feel like this all the time D: FEEL BETTER! You are amazing and pretty much the god of the internet!

Anonymous said...

Feel like bursting into song. Specifically, "Wind Beneath My Wings." Sappy, but since we don't give a fuck, fitting. Thanks for sharing. Awesome post.

Angela

Eli said...

So glad I'm not alone in this!! And SO glad you're back! I missed your posts!

LordCroak said...

Jesus Allie I'm just glad you're OK. I know what "fuck everything I can't even stand up I'm so depressed" feels like and no-one should suffer that... So glad you're back on your feet! *hugs*

Anonymous said...

Having depression is not 'just' a way of thinking and feeling. Please look into the possibility that your body is not producing all the neurotransmitters it needs. Google tryptophan & serotonin.
For example:
"Tryptophan achieves its effects by way of serotonin, one of the key brain chemicals involved in regulating mood. Among other functions, serotonin promotes feelings of calm, relaxation, and sleepiness. Lack of serotonin, on the other hand, is associated with depression. Many of today's powerful antidepressant drugs work to increase the level of available serotonin in the brain. Tryptophan is the key ingredient in making serotonin; without it, serotonin won't be produced. Because the body can't make its own tryptophan, it must be taken in as part of the diet; for this reason tryptophan is known as an "essential" amino acid."
There are webpages that will tell you what foods are good sources of tryptophan.
Looking forward to seeing more brilliant webstories from a happier you! (from "been there, wore out the T-shirt")

Rhonda said...

Really fantastic post.

Anonymous said...

Dayum... The reason I decided to even check your blog today was because I was drifting mindlessly in the self-loathing of a random depressive streak. Now, I'm feeling my own invincibility, through you. 6:45 at night, in Maine? Fuck it,I'm going hiking. Now where's the flashlight?

Anonymous said...

I've been waiting for you to post another. You are amazing, smart and talented.

Does the sad story mean the book is on hiatus? I was waiting for it so I could buy it and put it on my coffee table.

Sorry about your woes. I am depressed and suicidal. Your descriptions are perfect. *hugs*

Meiveva said...

I'm glad things are getting better. Keep on being bad-ass, Allie!
P.S. Where was boyfriend in all of this?

Anonymous said...

This comic is my life.

JohnnyMac said...

Thanks for staying just as awesome and atypical as you always are even in the midst of depression. I know how it feels to have surging waves of apathy to where even laundry becomes nearly impossible. Stay strong.

Becca Dean said...

Really appreciate your honesty here. Love that you've made me laugh at the same time as connecting with something deep that I understand because I've been there too.

Essentially I now want to be you.

Priyanka said...

omg I'm soooooo HAPPYYYYYYYY to see a new post!!! :D
hahah could so relate to it! when i'm sad i'll picture myself as the protagonist of a sad song/movie too! lol

Julia said...

I just wanted to thank you for this post - I read it a couple weeks ago and enjoyed it, but I have been feeling down for the past couple of weeks so I read it again. It is inspirational to read - it seems to show a light on the horizon. Hope you keep feeling good.

Olivia said...

It made me the opposite of depressed to see you had a new post. Which means I was very happy. I hope you buy enough skittles and watch enough movies to get over your sad. :( I love your blog! I don't follow blogs or anything internet-y like (or even a TV show...or magazine...or penpal) but you keep me laughing. Don't change.

Anonymous said...

Missed you. Thank you so much for sharing. It takes a special kind of courage to be that open and honest. Saying a prayer for you today.

Anonymous said...

I know exactly how this feels. The desire to touch a spider, less so due to a horribly scarring childhood trauma, but the rest of it, yes. It's some kind of craptastic. I'm glad that you're feeling a little bit better, even if it's the result of donning depression-armor. You're unique (and uniquely entertaining) but you're not alone. I hope it helps to know that, as trite as it may sound.

Anonymous said...

Allie, So glad to see you back. I was wondering if you were OK since it has been months since you posted a new entry. I'm glad you seem to be doing better. Please don't feel you need to walk through this alone! We love you! I realize that might mean more coming from people you actually know...but we really do!!!

Anonymous said...

I was also going to add: Thank God you don't have Netflix!!!

Kari Ann said...

What happened to boyfriend for your depressed stage? :[

Abbey said...

This is super timely... I hope that soon I'll be able to get to the Skittles and spider-touching stage! (Okay, maybe not the spider-touching.)

But really, thank you for posting this. It's so reassuring to know I'm not the only one.

Reginald said...

Welcome back. I really missed your entries. I was super happy to randomly check your blog and find that you are still around. I hope that you learn to deal with your worries.

RG2

Mary said...

Allie- you are amazing as always.

I am glad you are doing better- I had figured you were not blogging because you were busy with the book that's coming soon. Sorry it was depression instead.

The drawing of you curled up in the corner is wonderful and very poignant.

Tracy said...

Thank you for sharing this. People who find themselves suddenly stomped on by depression and the ensuing self-loathing/ self-berating won't feel so alone and crazy. Means a lot to me. Also, you really didn't miss anything when you couldn't rent Jumanji. Why IN THE WORLD would you want to see that film TWICE. I can fully support the Skittles, though.

Anonymous said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You've found a strikingly accurate yet funny way of representing something so many people struggle with. You'll find your way :)

Bryony said...

Hope things keep getting better for you. I too have and do suffer from depression and anxiety and reading this was like looking into my own mind at times. It did make me giggle too though so thank you for that.
Hope to see you posting things again soon but take your time. :)

Brandy said...

I relate to every word of this since I'm also suffering depression.

Anonymous said...

This is amazing! I battled with depression a few years ago and I remember going over that brink and realizing that I was invincible too! I hope everything goes no where but up for you! I love your posts!

Anonymous said...

good job allie! this was beyond awesome and i'm glad you got past it, worth the wait!

nalo1022 said...

I get this and have been there. Today sucked for me and this helped. Thank You

StephanieC said...

Just wanted to say, I *DID, IN FACT, READ THIS POST IN ITS ENTIREITY*.

I complain to The New Husband that I hate it when people don't read my post and just comment.

But my comment was legitimate, even though it was the first one. You ARE awesome.

You are the REASON I started blogging. You UNDERSTAND depression, and you get it.

And you are truly awesome. Fucking hilarious, entertaining, sincere, awesome.

SO I wasn't one of those "FIRST!!!!" assholes.

I really wanted to tell you that you are awesome, and it's true.

I mean, who wants to touch a fuckin' spider? ONLY ALLIE BROSH!!!!

Seriously?... Reeeally??... Seriously?

____

Brent said...

You always manage to bring a smile to my face in every post you write. Keep on being you!

Anonymous said...

Oh my God, so, I read this post and almost started crying, this sounds exactly what I'm going through right now. I love you Ali, and I love your posts, I am so glad I found someone like me. Let's be fearless together <3

Jugg E. Naut said...

I just read this for the third time and still laughed until my sides hurt when I got to the Skittle purchase and the "NOPE." Ahhhh.... tears in the eyes... this is how I get through night shift.

oscar said...

WTF, COMMENTERS. this is a sad post, and it does not end with her "feeling better."

"depression got so horrible that it actually broke through to the other side and became a sort of fear-proof exoskeleton" is not a description of "feeling better."

allie posted something ruthlessly honest about depression. stop giggling and telling her to keep her chin up and cheering that she "feels better."

jesus.

Sean Thompson said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sean Thompson said...

What's it like having thousands of people glad to know you are doing well?

Also, been there. Had a hobo assume I was a hobo. Kind of cool actually.

Flo Minowa said...

I am speechless and so happy for your break-through. You are absolutely amazing, not only to be able to overcome such a painful experience, but to be able to transform that into something that inspires (and even humors) other people. With this post, you've created so much value!

I, too, went through an episode of depression over a year ago, and I came across your blog during that time. You made me laugh like I never believed I could. I already owed you so much at that point.

I'm so happy you were able to persevere through that experience, and I'm delighted that you're sharing it, and that you're back online--because we've missed you so much!

Such experiences help us to realize that it's okay to be below par sometimes, to feel like shit, or to feel oppressed by negativity occasionally. And often they emerge in critical periods of our lives when something is signaling to us that we need to drop everything and reflect. Whatever the catalyst or the purpose, what is significant is that in overcoming it, we are that much stronger and capable of understanding the suffering of other people going through similar struggles.

I'm so happy you're back. Please take it easy and I hope all these responses don't overwhelm you.

Finally, thank you for being such a wonderful source of laughter, encouragement, and joy in my life.

Tink said...

WTF! im laughing while im reading this,it was so awesome,thumbs up for this bro.. i love the drawing and the dialogues,quite entertaining.

office space manila said...

nice article,really entertaining,but i don't like the ending.

Anonymous said...

Wow. I've been feeling this way for the last six months. Just sent it to my Boyfriend to try and explain. Between this, why I'll never be an adult, and the sneaky hate spiral, I can't tell you the extent to which you've entered my head. Maybe I should start doing my own therapeutic MS Paint depictions. Or at least try to rent Jumanji. What a great film.

Anonymous said...

I am here, bullying myself to do things, while readin this stuff from internet...

Anonymous said...

Hey. I really hope you feel better soon. This post was something I needed right now. Thank you so much for posting it. Fee; better. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Good to see you back, by the way.

ImpartialSanity said...

I sort of wish my depression had worked that way. I finally ended up making it to a psychiatrist who prescribed Wellbutrin. It was great...until it started turning my back and neck muscles into hateful monsters of unrelenting rigid agony.

When dropping down a dose didn't work, and after leaving work crying after the pain rose to unparalleled heights, I tossed the pills in the trash and told myself to get over it.

It mostly worked. I think I just found a way to turn my switch from "no reason sadface" to some strange forcefully cheerful setting. And after a while, the cheer stopped being forced and started being some weird motivational self-image poster thing.

Anonymous said...

Hey man

I was sad for months and months and I read this as I was sitting there

and it made me get up and take a shower and go get some tea from the supermarket instead of staring at my dirty feet

so even though I am still pretty sad, I just thought you might want to know I am clean and have tea and maybe tomorrow I will even talk to another human for more than four words.

thank you.

Draco said...

"I would like to rent all these movies and buy all these skittles."
When in doubt, I will quote.

TJay~ said...

I'm glad ur posting again, and sad that u've been depressed. Hope u keep that invincible feeling!!! xoxox

Andrea said...

This really inspired me. :)

Leighanna Sears said...

i feel bad that i am so happy about your post about sadness... but i am happy about the post, not what it's about... even though it was funny... but it's not funny you're sad... but you are really good at making your sadness seem funny... but that sounds horrible... oh god, this will never end... lol... nice to have you posting again!

Dom said...

You'll be alright. Keep thinking about your readers.

Anonymous said...

If there's one thing that shuts down when I'm feeling depressed, it's my ability to write. Kudos to you for powering through what must have been a hair-pulling kind of post. I loved it.

Having come from a family chock-full of lovely psychological idiosyncrasies, this story is all too familiar. But, I can say that it comes...and then it goes. It has always gone for me. Just don't let your silly brain tell you it's forever, because your silly brain is a lying jackhole.

Love and admiration to you from Oklahoma-

6279 said...

My friend Glen died a week ago and I am feeling blue. You HELPED me. Thank you.
Hugs,
Mary

Stephanie said...

I've got through the exact same thing!! Sad for NO reason, lol, it's actually terrible when you're going through, but hey, you gotta laugh at yourself? eh? eh? And omg, "eskimo vagrant"...You're a genius!

gishygoo said...

This makes me bawl and laugh. Depression is not funny, but you are. I hope that you are getting through this and that you have the support you need. As you can see from all the comments, you have been greatly missed and are incredibly loved. You are in my thoughts today.

Anonymous said...

thank you for this, for being so open and so funny. i'm totally crying at my desk at work because this is how i feel so much of the time. i'm glad you're back and feeling better and still amazing. this is clearly inspirational to a lot of people (over 4000 at this point!), reminding us that we're not alone.

Reno said...

Wow; you pretty much described a Thursday for me. It's strange how that works-- somehow not having a good reason to be sad makes you feel more worthless. The trouble is, the apathy and "invincibility" you feel wears off, you realize how emotionally vulnerable you still are, and you're back to feeling hopeless again. Only one thing gives me solace when this happens: I think to myself, "geez, if I'm this depressed over nothing, I'm glad I'm not terminally ill or forced to live on the streets. I wouldn't know what to do with myself." That's when I come to terms with the fact that my life, however meaningless and sad I feel, is actually really good. I'm sure yours is too, so hang in there. As quickly as it comes, it goes away again. And I hope you get the chance to watch Jumanji! (why not buy the DVD?)
P.S. Please keep sharing; I'll keep reading.

TyphoidMary said...

Hey girl, one more lady here with chronic depression saying THANK YOU for sharing, and for just bein' yo awesome self.

Also, I do the SAME THING with my laundry. Pretty soon the piles develop their own consciousness and, in some cases, form of government.

Kayla said...

The best part of this is not that it's a much awaited, long overdue update of awesomeness, it's that it's a hilarious yet extremely accurate picture of how depression kicks you in the ass out of nowhere.

Goblinkatie said...

OMGOMGOMGOMG!!! You're back! This has made today rock my face.

Depression sucks a big moldy egg, but thankfully it eventually gets bored and goes to find another person to chew on. Glad your turn is over, m'dear!

Anonymous said...

"I woke up this morning. I was so glad." - Best in Show

Anonymous said...

Thank you! What a beautiful post!

kaitjk said...

My sadness has been chased away by your much more epic sadness, and the skittles, skittles and sadness do not mix. I hope your invincibility sticks around there Batman! Thanks for the post, even though it was a little tragic the ending made me smile.

Anonymous said...

FUCKING LIBERATING, ISN'T IT?
I've experienced that to a T.

The lack of a fuck to give has managed to stick with me to this day, for the most part.

Keeley said...

Allie, you are the best. You even make abject depression hilarious. Next time I feel sad I will remember you and go buy Skittles. It's kind of like the whole WWJD thing but with you instead of Jesus, which might not seem like that much of a change but I'm sure there will be more cake involved. I think we can all agree that would be an improvement. So thank you for making the world a better place. :)

The Sanity Inspector said...

Really uncomfortably close to my own arid experiences, back in the days when The Black Dog would worry my trouser cuffs.

PghSingle said...

You're ALIVE AND AMAZING!!!! <3

Syndi Burton said...

Kenny Loggins wouldn't let his depression get the best of him...

I couldn't resist... But seriously, my daughter and I read your stories faithfully, and we were both worried when you went radio silent for so long. I'm sorry the D monster gets its teeth into you too. You're not alone, that's for damn sure! Keep up the good fight, we're all in there with you.

Luci said...

Allie- I'm so glad you're back, and I'm so sorry you were gone for such a long time in such a dark place. Thanks for coming back-we missed you!

Sparklycat said...

So glad you've whacked a hole through to the other side.

Anonymous said...

anonymous again, the blue cowgirl. i recently became depressed, took my bike to the gas station. bike got a flat. took the boyfriend's bike whihc is like two thousand feet off the ground. fell off of said bike in front of gas station (i was buying skittles and beer. i put the skittles in the beer to make the colors run. don't judge). i lay on the ground, in front of the gas tanks, skittles all around me like colorful blood drops, laughing maniacally. it was a funny moment. then, when i got home, all my beers exploded. in my face. niiiiiiiiice.

Anonymous said...

This is like, overwhelmingly relevant to my life.

365 Days Of Drawing said...

I'm bipolar so I get the crushing depression a lot. It normally follows a task that's involved some kind of responsibility and/or stress.

I've never come out the other side feeling invincible but now I know it's possible I'm going to keep my fingers crossed :)

So glad you're posting again.

Brittany said...

Dude, I do the SAME thing when I have days where I go through those random little spurts of sadness. Like, a lot of times when I cry, I end up asking myself why I'm crying and thinking I'm just being stupid. And then I yell at myself to stop being so depressed because it's pointless and I have nothing to be upset about.

Some of your blogs remind me so much of myself it's scary! lol XP

MankyCat said...

This is the best description of depression I've seen. I'm glad you worked your way out of it!

Anonymous said...

YOU ARE AWESOME.

Emerald Avalanche said...

I can totally relate...

cjane said...

You are awesome.

Thanks for writing.

cjane said...

You are awesome.

Thanks for writing.

Amanda said...

My new hero. No, seriously. You are. You are upfront and honest and spoke about something that's so REAL, but many people are afraid of admitting it because they think it makes them weak. NO!! Realizing what it is, and then slowly, but surely, doing something about it is what makes us STRONG!
I'm proud of you. I wish I could give you a huge high five, some Skittles, and a hug.

Amanda Lohiser said...

Hi Allie, I've never commented before, but I've been a "lurker" on your blog and love your perspective on the world. This one made me comment, because I thought one more person saying "YOU'RE AWESOME!" might just help reinforce that exoskeleton (I'm picturing that it's made of Skittle shells). Anyway, I teach a writing course at a university, and today, after a particular spelling error reached epidemic proportions, I read your "Alot" entry to my class of 26 undergrads (while trying hopelessly to maintain my dignity though my laughter) and they all loved you, too. (Actually, I had to stop class about 5 minutes later to let a kid who was still weeping with laughter get a grip so we could continue.) So you may have 26 more readers on your blog. Keep smiling, keep writing, and keep being inspirational.

Eris Victoria Aldrich said...

Man, this is incredibly accurate. I laughed so hard at the "won't go out because I hate myself too much" part.. but man.. the scary movies and Skittles. YOU NAILED IT. <3

Unknown said...

It took me this long to say anything because I was too apathetic to read my reader. I didn't want to do anything but stuff myself with dingdongs.

I hope that in the time since you have posted this you are doing better. You clearly have a lot of people who hope you are doing better, and I'm one of them. Even though I still want some dingdongs.

kenny said...

probably this is one more comment of your work but i got to say it, even if you dont read it xD: yei!!! your work is amazing!!!! i can not belive that actually there is a person arround the world that actually thinks a little bit like me xD, im proud to se this kind of self expression, amazing, keep moving forward!!!

OliviaWJ11 said...

Thanks for putting yourself out there- it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has ever been depressed (in the clinical sense, not like, for "a reason," as you say- because everyone is sad sometimes, but this is different, as you know. But I digress...) but I'm also sorry because I know how it feels I wouldn't wish it on anyone. My "recovery" was anticlimactic, too. It actually just got a microscopic bit better each day. I kept myself busy and one day it was gone. But it comes back sometimes, if even only for a day or two, and I know that, in a way, I'll be living with it my whole life. But I'm not living in fear of it. I'm okay, and you will be too!

Anonymous said...

I want to marry the little pink and yellow creature.

Bamboo Lemur Boys Are Mean To Their Girls said...

I so appreciate stories of other peoples hideous periods of depression and how they accidentally get out of them. Mine usually last from Tuesday to Thursday every week. I try to keep them shallow as I can't do soul crushing every week. By Thursday, I've made plans with friends and have worn myself out worrying about money and this always helps me enjoy the next four days until I can start all over again. Good times..

Anonymous said...

this accurately describes my life, right down to the pile of dirty laundry...
thank you for making me feel less alone.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for posting again Allie. We missed you. Except for the assholes. And fuck 'em.

Anonymous said...

I LOVE your blog. Your posts always speak to me, although Why I'll Never be an Adult will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope you tell the self-hating inner voice to go f itself and keep doing what you do, because you are definitely a genius. NO JOKE. I found that pile of laundry on your couch deeply relatable:)

walker said...

much, love little bedraggled eskimo vagrant. take your time.

Anonymous said...

allie-

thanks for sharing; i've been there myself at different times in my life and as always, your poignant descriptions are both comforting and hilarious. i hope you come out on the other side soon, good luck friend!

Amoral Badass said...

You are the best!!

I thought I was the only one who ever dreamed about being a stoic badass! Mine inner stoic badass is an amoral mercenary who I only unleash in open world video games!

Aussie on the Road said...

I loved this even as I felt awful that you had to go through it.

I've been dealing with depression for the past ten years and it does seem to come and go without any rhyme or reason. As you say - I've got no reason to be sad, but it doesn't make it any easier to push through.

I always read your entries and laugh. Today I read your entry, had a chuckle, but really felt a lot. Thanks for sharing.

Azz said...

This was amazingly cool! Not that you were depressed obviously, just the whole story, and the way it was told... it was just... awesome.

Anonymous said...

Allie, west of the sun and east of the mountains ...word of caution about tryptophan and serotonin reuptake inhibitors: people with ADHD metabolize these in wierd negative ways ... being a zombie on SSRIs is no better than being depressed.

Anonymous said...

Oh Allie - how to thank you? When you're in that big D space, no amount of assuring you of your awesomeness gets through, I know - but you are amazing and I am so grateful you've come back to us! Hang in.

Anonymous said...

I feel that way all the time. The issue is that if I don't get this shit done I won't graduate. And I'm really scared of that.

Anonymous said...

Hey, if there is really no reason for your sadness, then your brain may need a chemical boost: get yourself a pill. Zoloft worked for me, 10 years ago for a year and a half. Think of it as a tool to use to shoot yourself back out into the atmosphere.

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