Dog

A lingering fear of mine was confirmed last night:  My dog might be slightly retarded.

I've wondered about her intelligence ever since I adopted her and subsequently discovered that she was unable to figure out how stairs worked.


I blamed her ineptitude on the fact that she'd spent most of her life confined to a small kennel because her previous owners couldn't control her.  I figured that maybe she just hadn't been exposed to stairs yet.  Accepting the noble responsibility of educating this poor, underprivileged creature, I spent hours tenderly guiding her up and down the staircase - placing biscuits on each step to lure her and celebrating any sign of progress.  When she still couldn't successfully navigate the stairs at the end of her first week with me, I  blamed it on her extreme lack of motor control.  This dog is uncoordinated in a way that would suggest her canine lineage is tainted with traces of a species with a different number of legs - like maybe a starfish or some sort of primitive snake.

The next clue came when I started trying to train her. I am no stranger to training dogs - much of my childhood was spent working with various canines because I lacked the social skills to interact successfully with people.  With so many years of experience behind me, I was sure that training this new dog would be a very simple task.

I was wrong.  Not only is training my dog outlandishly difficult, it is also heartbreaking.  She wants so badly to please me.  Every fiber of her being quivers with the desire to do a good job.  


She tries really hard.    


But when turning her head at an extreme angle fails to produce a life-altering epiphany, she usually just short-circuits and rolls on her back.  

Over the past two months, she's made some progress, but it's been painfully slow and is easily forgotten.  Still, I was living under the assumption that maybe my dog just had a hidden capacity for intelligence - that all I had to do was work hard enough and maybe she'd wake up one day and be smart and capable like a normal dog.  Until last night.  

Last night I was sitting on my couch mindlessly surfing the internet when I looked up and noticed my dog licking the floor.  Just licking and licking.  At first I though maybe I'd spilled something there, but her licking did not seem to be localized to one spot.  Rather, she was walking around the room licking seemingly at random.  She lay down on her side and kept licking out of the side of her mouth while staring directly at me.  



At that moment I realized that I needed to know for sure whether my dog was retarded or not.  

I Googled "how to tell if your dog is retarded" and after a bit of research, I found a dog IQ test that looked fairly legitimate.  It involved testing your dog's ability to solve a few very basic problems, like figuring out how to get out from underneath a blanket. 

I gathered the necessary supplies and began testing.  

The first test asked me to call my dog using a variety of words that were not her name to gauge whether she could tell the difference.  I called out "refrigerator!" and was pleased to see that my dog did not respond.  She also failed to respond to "movie," "dishwasher" and "banana."  I was beginning to feel  very proud of her.  Then came the crucial step: I called her name.  Nothing.  I called it a few more times to be sure.  Still nothing.  

The words hung like a neon sign broadcasting my dog's failure.  "It's okay," I thought.  "She'll do better on the next one."  

In the second test, I had to put a blanket over my dog and time her to see how long it took her to get out.  I threw the blanket over her and started my stopwatch.  She made some cursory attempts at freeing herself, but as the seconds ticked by, it became clear that she was not going to pass.  


Still, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and assumed that she just enjoyed being under there and could get out if she wanted to.  I added an extra couple points to her tally for faith's sake. 

After flagrantly failing three more tests, it came down to the final trial.  If she could score five out of five possible points on this section of the test, she could bump herself out of the bottom category into "below average."  

First, I had to make her sit, which was a test in and of itself.  Then I was supposed to show her a biscuit, let her sniff it, then - after making sure she was watching - place the biscuit on the ground and put a plastic cup over it.  If she knocked over the cup to get the biscuit within a certain amount of time, she'd pass the test.  

I put the biscuit under the cup and started the timer.  

My dog ran over to the cup and sniffed it.  She walked around it once and then looked up at me like I was some sort of wizard.  I pointed to the cup.  I knew it was cheating, but I wanted to help my dog pass her test.  


She didn't understand, but she knew she was supposed to do something, so she just started frantically doing things because maybe - just maybe - one of those things would be the right thing and the magical wizard cup would let her know where the treat went.  

 

After five minutes of watching my dog aimlessly tear around the house, I finally accepted that she was not going to pass any part of the test and yes, she was most likely mentally challenged.  But damn it, I was not going to let my poor, retarded dog feel like she failed.  

873 comments:

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Brinn said...

You're dog is adorable. What is her name?

Anonymous said...

why cant i be you!??!?!?!? you are a genius.

Peter said...

I have just woken my wife up with laughter at this post. I'm blaming you.

I was going to say, "Your dog sounds just like my old one!" but it seems superfluous given all the comments. It's comforting to know that, while our dogs are retarded, at least they're in the bell curve with everyone else's retarded dogs.

PJW

Hillary said...

Thanks for making me smile. They put my poor doggie to sleep this weekend, and this made me feel better. (Not just because she wasn't as dumb. Although she did eat my sister's entire bag of Halloween candy one year.)

Anonymous said...

Thats about the same as our cat, who has about 90% less balance than any cat should (he fell out the window twice, fell in a bath, and manages to spontaneously end up upside down.)
Also doesn't recognise us or his own name, and manages to get stuck in shopping bags, not to mention the fact that he doesn't even recognise that other cats exist, and are like him unless he's being attacked by one (he's also a wimp.)
We still love him though, the only thing he does respond to food however, yet he wont eat fish, so go figure!
Your posts make me and my sister cry with laughter, it's amazing (and hilarious) the things that happen to you!

Wrench said...

I have a "special" cat. She even looks special; when we first brought her home my brother started calling her Special Ed, because her face is totally disproportionate to her head and body, her eyes are small and wide-set, and she just... looks... short-bus special. When the vet came over to check her out, we told her that the cat freaks out when we approach and she can't see us, picks her kibble into separate piles before eating, and obsessively licks the walls and plastic shopping bags, but is clearly genius; she's the only one of our cats to figure out how to open doors, work the food bucket, and pull things out from under the bed.

The vet's response? "She's probably just autistic or an idiot savant."

Here I always thought I'd be hearing those words from a pediatrician some day.

Wrench said...

I have a "special" cat. She even looks special; when we first brought her home my brother started calling her Special Ed, because her face is totally disproportionate to her head and body, her eyes are small and wide-set, and she just... looks... short-bus special. When the vet came over to check her out, we told her that the cat freaks out when we approach and she can't see us, picks her kibble into separate piles before eating, and obsessively licks the walls and plastic shopping bags, but is clearly genius; she's the only one of our cats to figure out how to open doors, work the food bucket, and pull things out from under the bed.

The vet's response? "She's probably just autistic or an idiot savant."

Here I always thought I'd be hearing those words from a pediatrician some day.

Amy said...

Yeah. I have mentally challenge bunnies. One of them, Bandit randomly licks every surface of my house. He licks the sofa, the floor, the carpet in exactly the same manner as your dog. He also runs into walls and furniture. A LOT! The other one needs a step to get in and out of his cage. They are sad, but I love them. I give them treats too, to make them feel better about themselves.

Gina said...

hey, she found the cup. Give her points for that!

Amber said...

You know what, I bet your dog is super smart. He's probably convinced he has you trained. You did tip the cup over and give *him* a treat. He got rewarded when you did all the work and that screams intelligence to me. ;)

jamie said...

I love dogs! The best dog I ever had was retarded...who wants a dog smarter than them anyway? I look dumb all by myself, I don't need a genius dog making it even more obvious.

Anonymous said...

Oh, yes, I tell my dog all the time that it is a good thing he is cute, 'cause he sure ain't smart! "Rescued" dogs come with all kinds of quirks, but will love you for not being mean to them like nobody's business!

BnE's Mommy said...

Awe...

anthropsychopathy said...

This is amazing. I have two dogs, and one of them I've resigned myself into believing that in fact he does not have any brain; really he just has a sort of slush of neural matter that guides his activities when it sloshes one way or the other. He tries so hard too...

Thanks for the brilliant post. Keep it up!

Kara said...

People are staring at me in my office because I'm laughing so hard! This post is priceless.

I'm going to have to find this doggy IQ test and try it on my own slightly retarded canine.

Nicola said...

This is the single most hilarious and accurate thing I've seen in months! Can totally relate - I have two Rough Collies (who're supposed to be smart!) who exhibit much of the same behaviour!

Thank you so so much for this - especially for the drawings (the "sit" drawings are the best, with the cocked head!) My boyfriend and I both just laughed until we cried! (whilst reading this, our one dog was trying to dig a hole in his bed and the other was running around the house like a loony!) And thank you to your hound for providing the inspiration! :)

Anonymous said...

I'm sure if my dog is slow or super smart. Example: he also does not get the stair thing - or so it seems - so I carry him up. Example: he also can not find hidden food-or so it seems - so I feed him by hand. I fear that the truly slow learner is me.

Anonymous said...

Here is further proof I am slower than my dog: I think I posted the same comment twice. Will hang my head in shame as I eat chocolate chip cookies (official food of the slow)

Ben said...

Friend? I so loved this. I'm so glad that your posts are still worth waiting for :)

Oonai said...

OMG I'm laughing so hard it hurts & crying at the same time. My cat is looking at me with a WTF expression. I'd rather have a dumb dog than a smart cat!

Brilliantpants said...

My dog does the same thing! If I give a command he just frantically tries every move he know hoping to stumble upon the right one. But it only makes me love him more. Those drawing of your dog are hilar-adorable.

Dan said...

I love that guy at the bottom when you keep scrolling down. He makes me smile. Hello!

Smooth P said...

Holy crap, you are friggin' awesome at drawing. I laughed several times at the dog's facial expression alone.

ReBekha said...

Kellie's adorable. :)

Tyler said...

Your drawing has gotten so good! This is really impressive. Maybe it's just the subject matter, but you capture dogness effortlessly. I know real dogs who look more fake.

Lissa said...

Recently found your blog through a friend and was instantly charmed by this most recent post. Can't wait to see what else you've got :)

Raine said...

Seems like we all have dumb-dogs in common. Mine is the same. Absolutely dies to make me happy, but has so much energy she can't focus long enough to fulfill my command.

How did you get teach leash walking? My dog will run back and forth in front of me, choking herself each time she reaches the end... then she'l run behind me. A work in progress, to say the least.

She's never seen a leash before!

Ah, rescued dogs. The quirks.

Go2girl.etsy.com said...

So hilarious! I knew my dog was below average when she ate rocks, lots of rocks.

The Ranter's Box said...

Great post and I love your drawings Allie! Your dog story reminds me of a retarded cat that I rescued when he was just a baby. The stupid things he would do provided for hours of entertainment. It is obvious that you love this dog by all of the time you spend with training. Good on you girl!
-The Ranter's Box
www.rantersbox.blogspot.com

Wee C said...

Brilliant post! If it makes you feel any better, we think our dog is autistic. She's smart enough to jingle a bell when she needs to pee, or close a door when we tell her to, but she chases shadows all day long. As in, lays and stares two inches from the floor...all the time. And if the shadows walk into a wall as they flash across the room? Well, fortunately we haven't had any vet bills because of this - yet.

Dani said...

I have two dogs. One who is very smart but kind of a dick and one who is STUPID but sweet.

El Stupido eats rocks and once ate half a soda can (weirdly this din't hurt her). She can't figure out how to get out of my way so I can feed her actual food. But I'll tell ya we've had a couple scarry incidents where someone tried to get in to our house and she let out her best big dog barks and scared them away. Also if I'm upset she wants nothing more than to make it better. She was beside hyerself when I watched March or the Penguins.

Smart they may not be but retarded dogs can still be good dogs.

The Ranter's Box said...

Great post and I love your drawings Allie! Your dog story reminds me of a retarded cat that I rescued when he was a kitten. The stupid things he would do provided for hours of entertainment. It is obvious you love this dog from all the hours spent on training. Good on you girl! -The Ranter's Box
www.rantersbox.blogspot.com

Karen said...

Have you tried "capturing" with your dog? It's where you wait for your dog to do common behaviors, and then reward them and give the behavior a name.

For example, when we got our dog, I took her into the laundry room with me (small, boring room without distractions) and just waited. Eventually she started to lay down, and I said "YES!" and gave her a treat. Slowly you can start adding in cues for it.

There are several ways to teach anything to a dog (Shaping, luring, capturing, or physically pushing the dog into the position--though I don't recommend the last one). Just like people some dogs learn differently from others. You have to find what works for your pup!

Google "positive reinforcement" or "clicker training" for more ideas :)

callmeshree said...

This one I felt was different from the rest that I have read. Maybe its because I'm a dog lover. This was funny but more than that to me, it was sweet, heart warming and yet a little sad story of a slightly, not totally mentally challenged doggy and an owner that loves it! :)

beloved30 said...

I love your blog! It never fails to kick drop me to the floor with crippling laugher and blinding tears. Your pictures make me almost pee my pants, but I have superior bladder control so my seat and pants remain dry. Whenever I see you have a new post I get so giddy with excitement over the laughter that will soon ensue. I love your dog too. The head tilt is my favorite thing that stupid dogs do and your dog does it best! I wish i was as funny as you. Thank you!

Sally Monster said...

I've done the blanket test on my own dog many times. She just wanders around, bumping into things with it over her head, like a halloween ghost dog, until eventually it falls off, hehe.

She can and will, however, do ANYTHING for a biscuit.

r-a-black said...

Oh lord, this is my first time commenting, but I felt the need to because of that final drawing with your dog under the blanket, laying down. That just had me in tears, haha.

Meg said...

My parents have a dog who likes to lick wet nail polish off of toenails. Lotion on legs is apparently also delicious. Surprisingly enough, she's quite intelligent in most areas.

Wozka said...

Allie -my brother has a greyhound, she has trouble with stairs because of the length of her spine (it's just how she's made). She is not very bright. But she CAN run up stairs with sufficient motivation eg. not thinking about anything but what's up the stairs that she wants.
My friend has a Bloodhound/Sth American hunting Dog cross. (His name is Geech lol). He is not very bright but he is very loving.
It might just be the mix of dog you have, they are hounds so they're trying to deal with smells and environment more than listening to you. (?)

WesApple said...

Hey Allie, I have to ask - Did you notice if your dog had any water when she started licking the floor? I once had a Basset Hound that would get "creative" & try to drink non-liquid objects whenever he ran out of water (starting with the floor), so maybe your pup is doing the same?

qubodup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Scott said...

I would totally ace that test.

qubodup said...

3 hours, 22 minutes: 339 comments. O_o

Check your comments-to-be-allowed for your alot post btw :)

Ginny said...

I couldn't stop laughing while reading this. Your dog is amazing.

Steph83 said...

That was nice of you to help your doggie find her biscuit - it's important to keep her self esteem intact :-) Way too cute! Thanks for posting - the new material has been missed!!

Runflower said...

Ah, goggies. I was sure mine was retarded when I adopted her from a rescue. She did everything wrong for a long time and I was so sad because she seemed to want to please so badly and just wasn't getting it. Lots of "Rooo"-ing when she was just plum frustrated. It just took a while to figure me out. After about two years of getting to know one another, she seems to just "know" what I am saying. I like to think that she learned by running with me - which was in and of itself a major challenge when she wouldn't go over bridges and tangled in my legs when a bike whooshed by. Now she is competent enough to run alongside me without me having to hold her leash. Good luck! My sweetest pets have all been late bloomers.

glyssix said...

My cat does the head-tilt thing...but it's usually when she thinks *I* am doing something stupid. Maybe your dog is just wondering why you're trying to test her and trying to assure you she love you instead?

...or maybe retarded.

Love the blog, it makes me snort laughter and tea when I'm at work!

Michelle said...

I was going to say maybe she's just very depth perception challenged when it comes to stairs. My mom's poodle is like that. However, with all the other evidence you've collected, I'd have to agree. Your dog has issues.

thanks for the post!!

Ekaybee said...

Allie, I love your blog so much! I only discovered it after your "Texas" post went up, but I became quickly addicted and read back at least a year into the archive in one sleep-deprived sitting. I'm still working my way back. It's a pleasure to see new content -- especially extra hilarious content with scads of hilarious pictures. Thank you for making me smile!

Ekaybee said...

Allie, I love your blog so much! I only discovered it after your "Texas" post went up, but I became quickly addicted and read back at least a year into the archive in one sleep-deprived sitting. I'm still working my way back. It's a pleasure to see new content -- especially extra hilarious content with scads of hilarious pictures. Thank you for making me smile!

Anonymous said...

The amazingly happy look on the dog's face in the last panel is adorable.

Andy said...

Your dog can have a long and happy life! It just won't be a smart, long, and happy, life.

http://laughinginpurgatory.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-boys-first-trip-to-bar.html

Jon Ashton said...

My dog won't walk forward unless she's following somebody. On her own, she just walks backwards everywhere. It's the weirdest thing!

Sarah said...

I used to have cat that would stare at beams of light on the walls and make creepy alien clicking noises....he was one "special" cat.

SuzRocks said...

I can't wait to try this out on my dog when I get home. My husband is certain she is a re-tard, but I really think she can pass all of those tests!

Sweet!

eriklief said...

We had a mentally challenged cat when I was a kid - it didn't know how to meow and it would fall off of furniture. But it was the most loving cat. It would crawl up onto your chest if you were sitting on a couch and then put one paw on each shoulder like it was hugging you and then just lay on your chest and purr. In fact, we named him Snuggles, because of this. Never was the brightest cat, but he was our favorite of the three that we had.

Pin Pin said...

If cats are supposedly smarter than dogs, then does the fact my cat could not pass these tests make her extra retarded?

1) Super Licking = 10/10. She licks heating vents, walls (yay lead paint!), mirrors, windows, floors -- and can do this for hours.

2) Escaping the Evil Blanket of Doom = 7/10. She does actually move, but somehow manages to tangle herself up completely and then grunts and yells until someone rescues her. She occasionally manages to muscle her way out (I'll just rip a hole here!), so she does not get a perfect score.

3) Find the Biscuit! Go go! = 8/10. I don't know if it's because she's finicky and doesn't want the treat or if she's too stupid to find it. Usually the game ends with a lot of slobber (hers, thank you) and pushing of the cup around and me eventually removing the cup for her.

One could blame the retardation on the lead paint. Who knows, but I find your story hilarious, inspiring, and comforting.

Biggsy said...

This post was AWESOME. You always make me smile. :)

Figgylicious said...

I LOVE this. Specially because my dumb dog Angus is EXACTLY like this. He'd stare at you stupidly when you talked, then roll over and peed if you talked to him firmly. He'd do the lying-down-under-the-blanket thing and it'd crack me the hell up. When he got scared he'd lick himself obsessively and oh lord it'd kill me.

And your drawings are just hilarious and perfect!

Che said...

Maybe if you got onto the floor and started licking it all over your dog would see how silly it looks and just stop doing it? it's worth a try.

greengeekgirl said...

Good to read you again! (I guess that's the blog version of "good to see you," which I obviously have not done.) Your dog seems sweet--we have a cat that is slightly stupid (we think?) and she is secretly my favorite. As long as your dog will go outside to do 'business,' a good disposition is more important than smartness :D

NGrace11 said...

Is it possible to get the other three tests? I want to see if I.... I mean, my dog.... pass.

Thanks!!! Great post!!!

WannabeVirginia W. said...

I hope you love her nonetheless. Just love her.

Chelle (hanwayink) said...

As the mom to a 'mildly retarded' 5yo cat, i totally get everything you've posted. George is like the feline equivalent. When the ppl at hte SPCA told us he was "mildly retarded" we pshaw'd them... but nope, they knew their stuff. Even as a 12-week-old kitten, George was special. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way <#

tang is better than o.j. said...

I have what may be the most intelligent alpha male all black cat, along with what is most likely the most retarded cat (named Ed aka Special Ed aka Sped) on Earth....and he was named Ed before we figured out his meager mental capacities.

It's like a live action "Pinky and the Brain" every day in my house.

Mark W said...

I love love love your pictures of your retarded dog. You really have captured the essence of dog retardation...

CherBearBlue said...

So excited to see you write about your doggie! Your drawings of her are AMAZING! I'm sure she was hard to draw. Good luck with the training...she's lucky to have such a loving owner!!

Rose said...

ZOMG! You totally stole my brother's dog! Only she;s in the kitchen right now so maybe the dog can in fact teleport.

That would make the dog much smarter wouldn't it?

Yaar said...

This is one of the funniest posts I have read yet as I had an awesome dog just like this. It was pretty much retarded but it was also the happiest dog I have ever seen, my theory is that it was too stupid to understand how to be anything else but it worked for the dog.

Even if your dog is retarded it will be happy and if it is anything like mine was the situations that it will get into will be funnier than any ting an intelligent dog could come up with.

Anonymous said...

Honestly, give her time, failure to thrive is a real condition. Once she starts to feel well fed and happy and unafraid, I'll bet she ends up sharp as a tack. Don't be discouraged quite yet... You can do it Allie :)

Meg <3

ratdude said...

i didn't read all the comments, so maybe someone said this already but VERY GOOD DOG DRAWINGS!

Sarah said...

oh my gosh. hysterical.

Ryan A. said...

A friend of mine had a dog who behaved a bit like this, she was an adopted dog too, who we think may have been abused by a previous male owner.

Either way, it might be that your poor dog has some anxiety problems. That "Dog Whisperer" guy tries to treat this in dogs by finding out what their dominant breed is, and makes them do things that the dog was bred to do to build confidence.

Food for thought, love your drawings, laughed my arse off!

Amber said...

this might be my favorite post yet! As soon as I return home from vacation I am going to google that test and give it to my dog who I also think is retarded.

nova said...

Hahahahaha sooo cute! I love the head-tilt of not understanding/high-pitched noises!

Wombat Central said...

Your dog sounds very sweet. I think that makes up for a whole lot of stupid. Mine leaves skidmarks on the carpet. And steals our socks and dishtowels so we'll chase her. Love that damn dog. Skidmarks and all. Dogs rock.

Tiffany said...

The carpet licking thing is usually something they do when they are stressed.
She wants to please you so bad she's stressed!! Hahaha.
I work with animals for a living (pretty much an animal nurse) though, and I definitely think some are just retarded :p.

Stella said...

I want a picture! Are his eyes really that freaky?

Stella said...

I want a picture! Are his eyes really that freaky?

Cain said...

Any chance of getting a puppy pic?

ann said...

awwwwww :) i can just imagine her running around in circles trying to catch her own tail and then falling down dizzily *flopp*

k_stin said...

Blanket pictures=hilarious!!

kasche said...

this one time me and a friend were hanging out on my futon and the subject of my dog's intelligence came up. we had just finished a bag of popcorn and left it on the floor, and my dog was sniffing around it out of view. just as i said, "yeah, he's a pretty *special* dog," or something like that he stuck his head up, which he had managed to shove into and get stuck ENTIRELY inside of the popcorn bag, and proceeded to tear around pathetically trying to get loose...

Ed said...

I'm guessing by the number of comments that the delay between your posts is because it takes you that long to go through all the comments.
Thats a nice problem to have. Well done Allie. Miss you when you're gone.

peppermint*tea said...

hilarious!

Jason said...

I'm really digging your style. I'll be listening.

Amelia Elizabeth said...

The head tilt is too much like my dog and his super-retardedness that they may be related? This is epic.

elizadoohicky said...

you are my hero. this was so funny i nearly coughed up dinner. GREAT illustrations. EXCELLENT writing. I sincerely hope that you find a way to make BOUCOUPS bucks off this blog. Add a "donate" button or something. YOu deserve it for the kind of laughs you are giving us! And I stand by the "ADD SOME ADS TO THIS PUPPY!" category from your recent poll. YOu are going viral on Facebook lately. You will get back any retards...er..um...READERS you lose because of ads.

Multi-Ainjo said...

My husband was really annoyed at me because I was laughing so loud. I think he felt left out. So I let him read it and he laughed to. We are happy now.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. The look on your dog's face in the drawings is perfect. I laughed so hard at the "sit" routine I had tears in my eyes.

Looks like cute dumb-dumb doggy lucked out in the owner department too.

Keep up the good work.

Annika said...

My sister's dog licks the floor all the time too! She is not as eager to please though. The way the dog trainer put it is that she is very smart to the point that she likes to find ways to do whatever she wants to do. I think she's still stupid though because it takes her 3 tries of jumping up and trying to knock me down before she sits, without fail.

GuanoLad said...

I used to know a dog who, while running around, was too stupid to know to stop before slamming into the wall.

It was both endearingly amusing and tragically saddening.

Emily S said...

So, you're dog's an Afghan apparently. No words of comfort for score 5 or below :p

Catherine said...

Ah.....the sweet sound of two retarded dogs pushing plastic cups around the kitchen floor.

AmyB said...

I laughed till I had tears running down my face...my last few dogs have been Einsteins (a couple of them creepy smart), but your descriptions remind me sooooo much of Teddy - a full blood "Lassie" collie. So gorgeous and ever so dumb. He would have failed al these tests miserably. But he allowed both my kids to pull themselves up to a stand by grabbing onto his coat and then "cruise" around him like he was a coffee table. My dog, the coffee table.

Ultimate Privacy said...

OH wow, no way dude now thats gonan be fun man.

Lou
www.anonymous-vpn.be.tc

MaybeCanadian said...

Great drawings !

This might happen to you too......

Just finished reading Allies blog (at work too, took a while). Was part way through and was asked how the rebuild of the full-text indexer in the document management system was going
So, I answered back this way..... (names of servers changed to protect the innocent (me))
-----------------------------

NewIndexerServer: HI !
WorkingIndexerServer: Shhhhh !
PrimaryDocserver: What was that, did you hear that ?
SecondaryDocserver: What ?
PrimaryDocserver: I said did you hear that ?
SecondaryDocserver: Hear what ?
Docsindex1: HI GUYS !
WorkingIndexerServer: You idiot, now they know we're here you dumbfuck.
NewIndexerServer: Oh hey, I was just trying to be friendly, and it's been so lonely.....
WorkingIndexerServer: I don't give a shit - it was nice and quiet while you were away and now you've messed it up.
PrimaryDocserver: Geeze aren't we touchy today
SecondaryDocserver: Yeah he's really got the rags on today eh.
NewIndexerServer: Hey guys, did you know I've changed my name, aint it cool ?
WorkingIndexerServer, PrimaryDocserver & 2: LIKE DUH !
NewIndexerServer: I'd forgotten how shitty you guys were. If you're not nice to me I'll crash and stop serving you again.
PrimaryDocserver & 2: Go ahead, like we care.
(sobbing in distance)
WorkingIndexerServer: What a girl.
--------------------

Apparently the corporate culture can't handle the normal me. Normally I manage to supress this but Allies blog totally unhinged me.

Cool

Patrick said...

In her defense, I'm pretty sure I couldn't have escaped the blanket, and I think I went to college.


Also, cups are hard.

Anonymous said...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_D_Z-D2tzi14/TDOKHMJQWGI/AAAAAAAADM0/JzdOtJAtkyI/s1600/Kellie29%28alternate%29.png

This...Is awesome!

Ami said...

I am wiping tears from my eyes 'cuz I laughed so hard. This is SO my dog -- right down to the sideways head tilt. This is so hysterically funny. And so frighteningly like you've seen my dog & I together. Spooooky!

Terri Coop said...

Smart dogs are scary. You have to hide the car keys and put passwords on all the computers.

Our momma Chihuahua had a little of six (I know) and they were so smart it was scary. One, in particular, led all the jailbreaks out of their pen. I swear I heard the theme to "Bridge on the River Kwai" almost every night and then I'd wake up to find all the pups on the bed. I have no clue . . .

Now, our little one regularly gets lost under the blanket. He'll thrash around a bit and then go to sleep.

As for the biscuit/cup thing, all three passed. Of course, Rocky, the Chihuahua-Min Pin mix just ate the cup.

However, smart as they all are, paper training remains a 'suggestion' as much as a command. You'd be amazed how much output an 8-pound dog can accomplish!

Welcome back!

Terri
www.whyifearclowns.com

Bethany said...

Every pet my family has ever owned (and believe me, there have been a lot of them) has been retarded, or in some way deficient. For instance, my sister had a cat that wouldn't extend his legs when he jumped off the counter. He would crouch, leap, tuck his legs up, and then faceplant on the landing because he didn't put his feet back down (although, in his defense, he still technically landed feet first).

We've had dogs who were afraid of the dark, afraid of wet grass, and barked ferociously at their own reflections in the window. We've had cats who couldn't make their back feet do the same thing as their front feet, and would consequently get stuck trying to crawl over the arm of the couch. One cat is a complete paranoid schizophrenic and won't touch the floor when she enters a new room. She jumps from each piece of furniture to another until she has made it around the perimeter of the room, and then she gets down and curls up in the middle of the floor for about 3 seconds, at which point she spazzes out and runs for the next room. We even had a rooster who thought he was a dog. I am not kidding.
Anyways, it's good to know that not all the retarded animals in the world end up at my house. And just think of all the potential for blog post material this dog will provide you! Love you and your blog!

Laura said...

As an animal behavior professional who has done some canine cognition work, I loved this. I've read only a few of your posts so far, but I always enjoy them and I really appreciate your effort to personally brighten my day. :)

Because this is my field, I'm compelled to add that the "dog IQ test" in question is relatively worthless, reflecting more of the owner's training techniques than the dog's natural abilities. And Cesar Milan's techniques are not to be emulated, end of discussion. You'd be better off with Karen Pryor, Pat Miller, Peggy Tillman, or similar sources. (Nathan's suggest above is right on!)

Good luck training!

Heather said...

My dog is terrifyingly smart - as in, they have to actually put a padlock on his kennel any time I board him because he's figured out how to open any other kind of kennel lock. It's really unnerving.

Anyway, just wanted to chime in to say that frequent licking is often a sign of allergies. The action of it massages their inner ears, which are often irritated by allergies. Bathe her with some allergy relief type shampoo and see if it has any effect on the licking.

Taylor said...

My brother got a pitbull about three months ago, when the dog was nine years old. He was going to be a fighting dog, but was rescued before he was trained for anything, HOWEVER this dog is completely and utterly retarded. This post completely describes him. He's afraid of irons, poles, phone rings, and this tiny personal fan i have with 1-inch foam blades. When he runs, he trips. He's afraid of our cats. And for a while, he wouldn't walk up the stairs. He thought they were some sort of medieval torture devices and whined at the bottom of them until you carried him upstairs.

kyouell said...

I gotta tell you I was trepidatious about reading this post. Happily, I know for a fact that my son with Down syndrome could pass those tests. I can breathe now.

Rafael said...

Oh God,of course it'd be dogs. I'm staying with my dad and he has two dogs now and all they want to do is fight ;w; and they usually do it on or near me.

Anyway, I just wanted to tell thanks for constantly dissolving me into hysterical giggles until I feel like my lungs are going to stop working! I started seriously reading your blog a few days ago and I dont think I've gone a whole twelve hours without laughing myself into tears.

youruuuleeee

Emily S said...

My parents had a retarded dog before I was born. I think her name was Freckles? Apparently she had a brain defect that was caused in her puppyhood from malnutrition. She would have seizures and apparently her favorite pastime was eating the carpet. Yeah, she would try to eat the carpet like it was made of food. Poor dog. Luckily our current dogs aren't retarded, though it is hard to tell because they are terriers and terriers are incredibly stubborn.
I am afraid my pets would fail just because they would refuse to cooperate...though my dog Zinnia is afraid of blankets, and my brother's dog Chip is incredibly good at finding food.

LS said...

I've always hated dogs. A hatred rooted in being around far too many 'playful' dogs that were four times my size when I was little.

But THIS dog?

This dog is my DAWG.

glorygurl said...

i beleive i have your dog's twin'tard. they seem to have been seperated at birth. it took her and entire 8 weeks of obedience training to learn how to sit. she doesnt understand that when her front paws are in the grass her back end is still over the sidewalk where she is now peeing. she sometimes goes to the wrong apartment door. i tried to get her to fetch, but even when she correctly follows the stick/ball, she forgets to come back. mostly she's sweet and cute. its a good thing cause she is dumber than a rock. even the vet has confirmed her less than stellar cognative abilities. its ok. she rode the short-bus all the way to my heart.

Anonymous said...

NEW POST!!!
I miss you Allie!

Elli said...

Fantastic! I laughed out loud and my (almost) equally retarded dog just stared at me.
Glad you're back!

peroxidepirate said...

Hilarious, as always, and I LOVE the drawings on this one! (Did you kidnap my dog? She does *all* those weird poses, every single day.)

Allison said...

Stormy Cruz - We had a dog so dumb she barked at her own farts, too! I never thought I'd see another one! She was half dalmation, half black lab, an oh was she stupid. But lovable.

Zombee said...

My sister used to have a dog that would be chilling on the living room carpet when it suddenly would fart and then FREAK OUT and run off because it startled itself and seemed not to understand what was going on down there...

Dan R. said...

I actually lol'ed at this. Like, seriously lol'ed in real life.

At any rate, have you considered the possibility that maybe your dog is TOO SMART for the test?

Perhaps she knew the biscuit was under the plastic cup, BUT she had so much self-control that she didn't knock it over. Perhaps she knew that in order to get permission to receive the biscuit, she had to do a trick, so she went through every possible trick she knew in order to earn it.

You may very well have the most disciplined dog in your tri-state area.

Reyna said...

I'm sorry you have a dumb dog. I keep my expectations low with hamsters. They can't tell the difference between food and their own babies, so I'm never disappointed. PS Your blog makes me giggle. And your fish story makes me weep buckets of hilarious tears.

M0 said...

Yay! A post! Loved it! BTW, I'm pretty sure I have a retarded dog as well...

M0 said...

Yay! A post! Loved it! BTW, I'm pretty sure I have a retarded dog as well...

M0 said...

Yay! A post! Loved it! BTW, I'm pretty sure I have a retarded dog as well...

M0 said...

Yay! A post! Loved it! BTW, I'm pretty sure I have a retarded dog as well...

jess said...

My dog is waaaaaaaaaaaay smarter than I am, and sometimes it really pisses me off when she sits there with that look of "teach me something else", and I give her a look back that says "You already know more than I do...What do you want from me?!?!" But, there was a time when she knew absolutely nothing and was terrified of everything in existence, because her previous owners kept her in a 3" by 3" space, and at 4 months she'd never been outside. So be careful. Your dog is really just waiting to take over the world.

Genevieve said...

This made my husband laugh so hard he farted. Three times. Luckily, the hilarity of the post makes up for the slight smell of polenta and lamb. At least they were funny farts!

:)

EmilyAnn said...

Crap! I found a version of this test online, hoping it would give me a convenient excuse for our pit-greyhound mix's terrible behavior, but the bugger passed with flying colors. We really do just suck at training.

maetelle said...

I had a cat once that was mentally retarded, so I definitely know where you're coming from. He was a Persian and so had very long, very thick fur. He never could get the hang of actually cleaning himself so every night it was my responsibility to bathe him. He might have been as dumb as a brick but he was beautiful and very very loving towards me. And that's all that matters at the end of the day.

Sammie said...

Allie, thanks for pointing out my dog is special too. I always thought she was pretty smart, but she does randomly like the carpet. I just tried the cup and food thing. She is still laying next to it. Maybe the cup will move itself? IT'S A MAGIC CUP AND CAN MOVE ITSELF.... right.... RIGHT?!

tree said...

look, my KID licks me randomly, you have it easy. also, awesome.

ViolaNut said...

Awwwwww, poor pooch. I gave my two cats a kitty IQ test and one came out borderline retarded (she lost points for things like jumping into the toilet after I squished the bug she was stalking and threw it in there, and never quite being able to figure out that she couldn't walk on suds and therefore she'd fall into the tub every time I took a bath...). When she was 6 we moved into our present place, which is the first time she'd ever seen stairs... yeah, took her a few weeks too. :-P She's 12 now and I love her to bits, even if she tries to eat people and is banned from the vet's unless she's tranked, and, errrm... yeah okay, she's a psychokitty. :-P Just be glad dog claws are not as sharp as cat claws, that's all I'm going to say...

tnd8863 said...

Well I'm glad she's been to the vet. I was hoping she didn't have a tumor or something.

Love you Allie!

Anonymous said...

You are a great owner. impressive!!!!

Love the artwork!!!

Jessica said...

so happy a friend shared your blog with me. you have a great voice and a knack for making the reader (erm, and cartoon viewer) feel as if in the same room. and yeah, i hear ya. wondering if a dog is retarded or not is totally a valid thought. but some times i just know they are thinking the same about us. summary: blog like + dog story = return reader over here.

Kimberly said...

I found the test!
http://www.abc.net.au/animals/dog_test/default.htm

Too bad there isn't one for cats.

Anonymous said...

Awww, sweetie. You are such a hilariously gifted person. Sometimes you have me laughing until I start coughing. There should be an acronym for that. LUISC.

The Sweetest said...

I am seriously laughing at all of this and can't wait to forward to my sister who also may have a re-tard of a dog.

Emily said...

I just found your blog last night. And I think I'm in love with you.

Ok probably not in love, but I think maybe we have the same brain?? ?!?

I don't know. Please continue.

Ed said...

Read "Don't Shoot the Dog" by Karen Pryor. You'll drastically improve your dog's performance with clicker training.

Shannon said...

This makes me feel better about my retarded pug puppy. I love him to death, but he is as dumb as a bag of rocks. My previous pug, before she passed away a few months ago, was wicked awesome at the game where you hide a treat in one of your hands (without letting her see which one), and then holding both fists out so she can pick which one had the treat. She was almost always right. Tug, my puppy, stares at my hands like, "wtf. There was a treat, and now there's not. OMG DEMON MAGIC." And he squirms around and whines with his butt in the air.

He also like to lick weird things. Hooray for special dogs?

Dara said...

Oh your poor dog, and you! I did enjoy this, with a much smaller dog it's adorable. However, one day I went to throw a treat at her so she could catch it...and she didn't even open her mouth. :/

Marcie said...

I was so sure that my dog was completely intellectualy superior to your dog, so I made my husband read your post. We excitedly got a treat and a cup. We showed her the treat, put it under the cup, and we anticipated that in 3 seconds, tops, our smart girl would find it. But no. She sniffed all around, under the fridge, ran frantically through the legs of the dining room table, and did a visual check of our hands, in case we were holding her treat. Then she just kind of looked pitiful. "Oh no! Our dog is retarded, too!" I wailed. "No," my husband said, "I just think she's too well-mannered to knock over the cup." Perhaps you just have a really well-mannered dog? Perhaps?

Qoddess said...

You've been quoted

http://qoddessquotesblogs.blogspot.com/2010/07/quotes-july-6-2010.html

and HOLY CRAP - 500 comments??? But I have to say, I laughed so hard reading this I nearly choked.

StrangeSequitur said...

My Aunt's dogs collectively licked every square inch of varnish off of the hardwood floors in three large rooms. They'd move on to a new spot when there wasn't any nommy, nommy varnish left.

I don't even know.

Anonymous said...

We tried this test with our dog, and she just simply stole the cup off the treat and ran off with the cup, not the treat..... *sigh* I was sad.

Anonymous said...

We tried this test with our dog, and she just simply stole the cup off the treat and ran off with the cup, not the treat..... *sigh* I was sad.

BellaZombirella said...

I wish I could think of something incredibly fantastic to say, but basically my brain is fried today! The basics are this: I found your blog, fell in love, did not know how to get to the first entry of said blog, clicked the "older post" button for a verrrry long time, found your first post, read them all. Read most of the comments, too. And your twitter. (I swear I'm not a stalker lol!) I have never followed a blog, ever. But you are special, and wonderful, and I cannot express how glad I am that I found your little online world. <3 You make me want to tell you every funny thing that has ever happened to me! <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

A game that my sisters and I love to play with our dog is "Catch," which consists of my dog running away from us with a toy and we have to catch him. One day, one of us got the bright idea to use a blanket to catch him. We guided Buddy into our trap and threw the blanket over him. Once he was covered, instead of trying to get out, he walked in a circle and laid down, giving up.

Anonymous said...

don't have a dog...but will try this out on family/ squirrels in backyard.

p.s. love your posts...always make me smile=)

Mindee said...

These are surprisingly accurate drawings (and descriptions) of Kelly. I'm dying inside right now. I can totally picture all of it. At least she has a friend like Rustle to help her through the hard times.

Corinne said...

As always, LOVE your posts! <3 Your dog sounds adorable.

My favorite part, though, was the illustrations for the "biscuit under the cup" test, when at the end the dog just lay on her back. XD

Thanks for brightening the day!

Laura said...

This post was CRACKING ME up! I love your stories and artwork, and I must say that this story seriously sounds exactly like my family dog as well. It's sad, but true.

Tony said...

Those blasted wizard cups. HOW DO THEY WORK?! D:

Tonya said...

Bless its heart. Sweet puppy pie!!

Seriously, my grandmother had a Pomeranian that I promise had dog Down Syndrome. She was like the stereotypical child who had Down Syndrome. And she always had such a hard time getting in our back door because she had to go up the stairs and move out of the way of the door at the same time. She could never figure out how to move her backend the best way.

Arlene said...

Lol I can't stop laughing.. poor dog.

Bodaciousboomer said...

Was your dog a rescue, like the 5 of mine? If so, you don't really know his family history. Maybe his mom did drugs or had a drinking problem. You just never know; but you love them all the same.

Michelle said...

My mom used to have a cat that was literally incapable of feeding itself. Well, I say "incapable", but I always held a sneaking suspicion that this cat was just playing us. He was one of those persians with the really flat, smushed-in faces, so the theory was that he couldn't get his mouth to the food dish without also getting his nose in it, and therefore refused to eat and/or couldn't pick up the food. We'd bottle-fed him as a kitten because he was the runt of the litter, and he just... never learned to eat out of a bowl properly. So my mom fed that cat dry food by hand, one piece at a time, for his entire 11 years.

Bladeybug said...

Oh man. My dog is 13 and suffering from a bit of doggie dimensia as well as hearing loss. He used to be so quick.

The licking thing is sometimes to stimulate comfort... you might check into that, but the rest just sounds ridiculously cute.

evangeline101kk said...

aweh sorry to hear that but i think he's prob all good with his life and all so dont worry too too much about him.

Andrea said...

GAH this describes my ridiculously STUPID dog!! I cannot believe how dumb my dog is too! I am going to try your doggy IQ test on her... I think she will fail. My daughter put her on the armchair and piled 3 pillows and a blanket over her and she never tried to get out. My dad came in, sat on the dog not knowing she was there, and the dog STILL didnt move!! I had to free the poor idiot or she would have willingly suffocated. Argh so frustrating!!!!

ohheyy_monet said...

I think I know your dog... My friend has one. Although, instead of not understanding the "sit" command at all, she speeds right through it into the "down", then finishes it with an extravagant "roll", which is really just a sort of a "flop over on my side and stare at you happily until you give me noms." In all reality, she's a fairly smart dog. Just a little overzealous. And insanely neurotic. (Neurotic dogs are the best. I miss my old, neurotic Houdini dog... She could break free of any cage ever. Just ask the people at the kennel who came to work every morning one weekend to find her sleeping happily at the front door. Gnawed through chicken wire once, too, that dog. And dry wall...)

My current dog, however, does not fit into the "OMG I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT ME TO DO!" category. He's more of a "Ha. You're kidding." type. Now that he is a curmudgeony, old man, Helen Keller dog, he's gotten even worse. He used to actually do stuff for his treats. Now he just berates you with whines and barks and crazy stares whenever he thinks he deserves a treat. (He thinks he deserves one whenever you're standing anywhere near the fridge on top of which his treats are located.) He used to get stairs, but now old man dog just barks and whines and nervous itches whenever he wants up the stairs until he is able to muster up the courage to scramble up there himself. (Or until someone gets so sick and tired of hearing his pathetic, freaky whines and just carries him up the stairs.) He's pooped in the sink while I was giving him a bath. Twice. Oh. And he pees. In the house. (Mind you, we were never able to get him to stop doing that. Now he just does it on accident. And still on purpose.)

Even so... I can't help but love him. Even when he's barking like an asshole at 4am because he wants to go downstairs and leave a lake-sized pee puddle in the middle of the kitchen for someone to clean up in the morning.

Well, I love him a little less then. But not much.

givingherallshesgot said...

HA! As a dog trainer, I cannot tell you how much I love this post :-) Lucky dog to have such an awesome owner. And, you know, maybe there's hope...I mean, if she lived in a crate it's not like she ever learned to think...at least she was trying things around the cup instead of not realizing the treat was there anymore! I believe in her ability to get that one eventually! :-D

Joe said...

Hahahahaa! Your dog is a crack baby. Please don't be offended.

I love crack babies.

statusviatoris said...

She sounds loopy but eminently lovable. I adopted my gorgeous Pooch nine years ago in Spain. There have been many times when I've questioned his sanity - when he destroyed 2 three piece suites in a row, for example, or the time he decided to jump from a height of about 5metres onto concrete. Ummm and the fact that he carries around stones that are as large as his head, and that he is scared of the refrigerator door and that he licks any surface he comes into contact with, for hours. But then again, I'm sure he questions my sanity every time I introduce him to a new deadbeat boyfriend. Whatever, he has been my most faithful companion for the last nine and a half years, through five different countries and endless ups and downs, and I love him to bits.

Rebeccagrace said...

Haha! I have actually seen that test online somewhere. I don't know if I am brave enough to attempt to test my chihuahua, because I am afraid she might not pass, and that would be sad. On the other hand, I am also afraid that she might be really smart and pass with flying colors, and then she would be even more of a brat than she already is!

Batsheva said...

LOLing like crazy, once again. Allie, I'm going on record right now as saying within a year, yours will be the most popular blog on all the Internets!

My dog also licks carpets, but is smart in all the other ways listed. Maybe there's something about carpet-licking and hound mixes (mine's a hound mix too).

Rigels Star said...

XD Awww, that's so cute. My dog isn't that bad(which, is cute. Pfff <3) But what she does, is if you do something weird while she's panting she'll be like:

pantpantpant- *stops in midpant, tilts her head and her ears perk* -pantpantpantpant

XD It makes me laugh every single time and I just can't help but lurbs her.

Mine is a husky/corgy and she has one blue eye(which looks icy white) and one brown.

So she's a weird head tilting cyborg dog. XD

__andwhatshefoundthere said...

My dog licks the floor, and carpets, and couches too. I never tried maybe they just taste fantastic.

Nathaniel said...

I'm quite seriously laughing out loud. I can't decide if you have it worse off than we do with our dog who is entirely too smart for her own good.
-We tried keeping her in the kitchen at night when she was younger, she figured out how to open the door.
-She figgured out the word walk, so when we are talking to other humans we had to spell it, or use other words. She now knows walk, w-a-l-k, stroll, and amble.
-She knows what we mean when we say "come" (as well as "acio", the summoning spell from Harry Potter), but will only do it if we have food for her.
But, we love her for it. You can't really help but fall in love with cute little furry things...

ShanSoPink said...

maybe the dog is deaf =)

sara said...

ohhhhh my gosh I laughed so hard! You're illustrations are freakin' brilliant!

Heather said...

I was happy to see the poster who asked if your dog was a greyhound, because that was my thought too! The pictures looked very greyhoundish and we have two Italian Greyhounds (like toy versions), one of whom is definitely our special little girl...this post had me giggling so loud I woke up both dogs and my sleeping husband, oops!

Gwyn Hannay said...

Awwwwwww, that's so adorable! She's so lucky to have a nice owner like you who will still love her, no matter how mentally challenged she is. :-)

Also, double adorable that she wants to do well! She deserves ALL the biscuits! <3

anissa7118 said...

Awww! I love your art - you captured some of those silly dog poses better than some professional pet portraitists I know.

If you're having trouble training her, check out clicker training. It requires you to have really good timing, but it's very motivating and positive for the dog. She sounds like she wants to please, but doesn't understand what you want. Clicker training helps clarify that communication.

Laura said...

Could you put the link to that quiz please? I'd really like to test my dog. And some people I know.

jadedchalice said...

THANK YOU for an awesome laugh! You made my night

poor doggie! said...

that's a pretty accurate drawing of the dog, who i'm sure is very cute in real life.

poor doggie! said...

that's a pretty accurate drawing of the dog, who i'm sure is very cute in real life.

иικκι јо♥ said...

I am DYING laughing right now and those illustrations are absolutely priceless!

Anonymous said...

Great! I now have a crick in my neck from following the 'Siit' sequence. Thanks, Allie!

Kitty O'Hara's Corsetry said...

I have a whippet and she's super retarded, so don't feel bad! She's never learned to sit or lay down or any of the typical doggy skillz. She's a spaz, but she's a happy spaz.

Andrew S. said...

Your dog is derpy.

It's very amusing.

Luke said...

I have to admit that I didn’t read this blog but I am absolutely fascinated by the fact that you have 300 to 500 comments on a regular basis. Your good.

vanessaw said...

My mum's dog used to lick the carpet and it would make a loud "thup" noise. Mum used to call out "Billy! Stop Thupping" and he'd look all indignant, stop for a few minutes and then start again.

tOM Trottier said...

Animals are dumb. But you can even train a slug, so don't give up.

1. You need rewards he wants. Treats, maybe, or playtime. What does he really go for?

2. You need to get him to vary his behaviour, then reward anything that approaches what you want, then attach a word or phrase to it.

3 Standing waiting doesn't really help. Putting him in different places, giving him different stimulation, then rewarding desired behaviour.

4. Dog training takes time. Lots of time. Lots and lots of time and patience.
Look upon each walk as an training opportunity and take your rewards with you to give when he does something like what you want.
When he's next to you and you notice some behaviour that you want, reward him.

Look into clicker training. A clicker is just a fast way of saying "you done good and your reward is coming". With a clicker, you can quickly encourage behaviour that is awkward or distracting to reward right away. "Good boy" or whatever also works, but is longer to say.

Dogs and such look smart in the movies, but trainers work full time to get them to act they way they want. It took a full week train the huskies in "Eight Below" to inch forward to rescue one of their own in the movie. And many takes. And editing. They would never do this in real life.

Lower your expectations. You have a clean canvas and a microstylus. Start drawing.

Siobhan said...

Haha this was one of your best! Had me laughing out loud

SarahBonSiobhan said...

Hilarious! I have been blessed with a smart dog this time around (she knows left and right!), but completely understand how hard it is to deal with a dog that barely has enough brain power to do anything other than breathing and eating.

I'm glad you're accepting of her inferior intelligence. Maybe there are some classes to try out?

Kirby said...

And you are alive and well, as fervently hoped yet briefly doubted. Glad to know it. I had a retarded chicken as pet as a child. Same strange kind of love, even for poultry.

downtide said...

Someone pointed me to this blog post and I absolutely love it! I was in stitches.

Incidentally my dog (who is actually otherwise very smart) will sometimes lick the carpet, but I think it's connected with upset stomach feelings (she's a Lab/Greyhound mix so she has a somewhat delicate digestive system). If I tell her to stop licking the carpet she just goes out in the garden and eats grass, then vomits up a grass+hairball. Lovely.

Ted said...

This is some of your best art yet! The use of the "spray paint" tool really brings out your dog's coloring, and you portray her body language so well in all different poses. It's such an endearing story and, even moreso than usual, your drawings add so much charm and hilarity. What a character she must be...I hope we hear more about her.

Keda said...

Ha ha! This is why I am a cat person. Although our cat fell of a building, split her pallet and now has brain damage. Maybe she could be friends with your dog, maybe all they need is to know that there is someone else in the world as clever as they are...

Anonymous said...

Try clicker training.

Anonymous said...

YAY, you're back! I hope. ]:

The fact that your dog is probably a few kibble bits short of a full meal is fantastic news. It shall make for HYSTERICAL stories like this one.

CyraEm said...

This is kind of like my cat and me, only backwards. Since no one has invented kitty sign language yet, whenever my cat wants something, she just sits there and meows at me. She'll wind herself around a chair leg, or the doorjam, or her food bowl, and I'm sure she's trying to signal me to something but I have no idea what (except for the food bowl one, I can figure that out, thank god). I can tell she's sitting there like, "Dammit! This is really simple you asshole! Turn. The. Heater. Up." And I just sit there and cock my head at her and wander around the room fussing with things until she gives up.

Although, she's the least graceful cat in existence, so I feel a little better about her being smarter than me.

Anonymous said...

This update came on my birthday and it was my birthday wish to have an update. You just made my day. :)

matt said...

Retarded pets are just more loveable. My cat, when left alone for more than two minutes, will find a sock and walk around with it in her mouth, meowing this really low, mournful, tragic meow that makes you want to run up to her, weeping, barely choking out "It's okay, I'm here and I love you!" between sobs...or yell at her to shut the hell up, MythBusters is on TV. Or, you know, any TV program that I happen to be watching, because I don't watch nerd shit like that. Often. More than one hour per day. I...don't look at me with that judgment in your eyes!

ella said...

hilarious :p your drawings are so awesome :) and your dog sounds like a sweetie, even if she is a little stupid :p

Naomi said...

You draw her beautifully.. I can see you love her even if she IS a bit slow.

Coquette and Dove said...

I think you might be the funniest person I've ever not met.

Lizy said...

Awww, poor pup. I did that test on all of my pets and my dog did worse than my rats (who aced it!). He did beat the Bearded Dragons though, so its not so bad....

alison "ali" chapman said...

No one - NO ONE - makes me laugh so hard I cry on a regular basis like you do. Thanks for existing!

estuardo said...

Your dog will be fine, you've nothing to worry about. We adopted a St. Bernard from a home. It takes a long time for them to relax and get used to being with new people as it might have been beaten/chained, who knows. She just wants to know that she won't be going back to the kennel so she is trying so hard to please. If you do those tests again in a few months she'll be great, she just wants to be loved.. Don't we all!

Love your blog by the way, discovered you recently and currently working backwards through all your posts.. Hilarious!

Jax said...

Bless her sweet little heart!

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