Ouch. Why?

I injured myself yesterday.  You might be wondering if this injury occurred while I was rescuing a child from a burning building, but no. It didn't.  What happened was that initially, my head was facing straight forward.  Then I decided that I needed to look at something to the right of myself and I turned my head in that direction so as to center the object in my visual field.   And then God was like "You shall be punished for this!!!!!!" and He sucker-punched me right between the shoulder blades.   And then He whipped out his switchblade and started stabbing me in the spine and I was like "OH GOD NO! WHAT DID I DO???  I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS HAPPENING TO ME!!" And then God kicked me in the neck for questioning His decisions.

So there I was, writhing on the floor in agony and then I realized that writhing was making it worse, so I stopped writhing and settled for contorting my face into an expression that said "This is ouchie... please make it stop."  But that also seemed to aggravate the wounds that God inflicted upon me so I tried to lie perfectly still but I still had to beat my heart and it is completely unfair when beating your heart is painful.  That's like being stabbed every time you don't die.  Or something.  I guess I pretty much just described normal stabbing.  But that's what it's like.  And it is unfair.

I eventually got bored with lying on the floor, so I tried to crawl to my couch.  You know those scenes in war movies where the soldier is bleeding from every possible surface on his body and his face is covered in blood and dirt and there are explosions all around him and he probably won't make it but he's trying to crawl to safety anyway?  And then he gets shot one more time and you think he's dead, but no.   He's still crawling?  I think I finally know how that feels.  And aspirin doesn't fix it.

Here is the place where I ask all of the people who only recently discovered my blog to go and read this post  instead.  Surprisingly, you will respect me a lot more that way.  Please do it.  For both of us.

Anyway, I'm really, really, really obscenely bored today because I can't do anything at all except for sit with awkwardly rigid posture.  And type.  And I can't even type very well because typing involves looking at my computer screen and that means that I have to tilt my head slightly downward.  Oh, and I'm high on Lortab.

EDIT:  And then I posted a totally inappropriate Christmas card and I admitted to having enjoyed playing Magic: The Gathering when I was young and I thought it was all going to be hilarious but actually it was like this one time when I told my ex-boyfriend's mom a joke about a dead hooker and apparently she wasn't really all that enthusiastic about dead-hooker jokes.  Anyway, then my high kind of turned paranoid and I decided to delete all that stuff until I can decide whether or not it was actually as terrible as I think it is right now.  You're welcome.

P.S.  If you didn't get to see the things that I posted before, I am sorry.  However , the possiblity exists that I will wake up tomorrow and go "Oh, that wasn't so bad... it's not like I talked about how I used to have a crush on Rick Moranis..." and then maybe I'll decide to repost it.  Maybe.

UPDATE:  Okay Veronica... I'll post one picture.  Just one.  And only because you are my internet girlfriend.  Do you want the inappropriate Christmas card or one of the four Magic cards I edited myself into?  Choose wisely.

Veronica chose the Christmas card:



Can you believe I'm giving this to you for free??  It probably would be best to print this out and send it to your loved ones with no return address and no signature.  Please also consider including a single dollar bill.  The recipient will wonder "What am I being paid for?  Why just one dollar?  Is this a tip or something?  OH GOD WHAT IS IT FOR????"

UPDATE:  Okay... FINE.



32 comments:

mepsipax said...

Oh Allie...

mepsipax said...

Aren't you always high.
Fucking Magic... the dungeons and dragons with cards. Seriously, I could never get into the card games. Plus, I was poor so I couldn't buy the cards anyway. Thanks for dragging out bad childhood memories Allie.
Now I want to stab someone. I wanted to before this post but now it is your fault.

NutellaonToast said...

I'd play magic with you, but you'd ahve to come to SF.

Tony said...

Magic the Gathering? Yikes...

Well, you do get some cool points for admitting you played Magic, and still having the cards.

Kurt said...

If I had a mustache like that I would totally play Magic: The Gathering and when all the ten year olds were like "What's up, Old man?" I'd punch them right in their goddamn mouths.

Because of the mustache. See? It makes me tough.

I totally can't grow a mustache.

mysterg said...

Oh Allie, I'd love to play Magic with you but I'm scared it might all get a bit rape-y, espcially if your nude picture guy is playing as everybody knows 99.99%* of all rapists have moustaches.

Hope you feel better soon doll.

*This may not be true.

Ben said...

Oh. My. God.

Not that I'm not terribly concerned that you're injured, but I TOTALLY PLAYED MAGIC: THE GATHERING WHEN I WAS A KID!

(Yesterday).

Tracy said...

I am super bummed to have missed any post of yours, regardless of topic. I'm sure it was hilarious.

I have nothing of particular importance to add, except that I used to have a crush on Rick Moranis, too. Seriously. So you're not the only one.

Blaise said...

hmmm... I'm totally useless at that game. I always want to look at the cool pictures. Mana-what?! My fiance has totally given up. Poor guy.

Nikole said...

I never had a crush on Rick Moranis but I did dream that he was my dad once. Allie, I like you, but stay the fuck away from dad. That's just not ok for him to screw someone the same age as my brother. Back up, bitch.

CarrieAnn said...

You can tell us dead hooker jokes anytime, and I guarantee that we will all laugh.

Gigi said...

Oh Allie - I love you! I just want to put you in my pocket & bring you home. (Ummmm-ok. That isn't as weird as it sounds - promise!) Feel better soon!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

My dad had some super-magical uber-rare Magic card ... it had something to do with a lotus? I have a picture of my little sister holding it. Maybe I'll send it to you with your face photoshopped in. Who knows?

AND, I never got to see the stuff you took off. So put it up.

dogimo said...

I hope you do repost those Magic: The Gathering cards. I have never until now wanted to play Magic: The Gathering, and now I want to, just based on that sweet glimpse of those awesome cards (but no Bruce?). Thanks, Allie!

You've opened up a new world to me.

Sorry to hear about your debilitating PAIN. Does the sentiment seem somehow insincere when you all-caps the PAIN? Really I'm trying to all-caps my EMPATHY and WISH FOR YOUR SWIFT RECOVERY.

You know what? I bet writhing never helps. Why do we writhe so, when it never helps?

Ellie said...

I still play Magic sometimes. It's fun being able to hand all the guys their butt on a platter.

Allie said...

mepsipax - I was tricked into getting into it. I was close friends with three little boys who were obsessed with Magic, and they were like "here... we'll give you some cards... come play with us..." and I did and I lost badly because they gave me all their shitty cards, so I felt like I needed to avenge my honor and that is how I ended up buying into it.

NutellaonToast - If I ever do come to SF, I'm holding you to that. And I'm bringing my custom-made cards.

Tony - It was a lot cooler back in the day than it is now. Seriously. When I was a kid, the cool kids played Magic.

Kurt - All I have to do is grow a mustache!!! Oh and BTW, Boyfriend laughed really hard at this particular comment. I think it was the part about punching children in their mouths.

mysterg - I'm pretty sure it is true. Basically, if you have a mustache and no accompanying beard, you are either a rapist or a molester or a dad. Or you are wearing it ironically. Or all of those things. But not none of them.

Ben - Yeah, I tried to teach Boyfriend to play Magic, but he just couldn't wrap his head around tapping. He was like "So you turn it sideways and then it's powers come out?" And I was like "Basically, yeah." And then he was like "This is stupid" and I was like "YOU'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND ME!!!!!!"

Tracy - I never thought I would ever hear someone identifying with THAT one :) Blogging has done so much to convince me that I am really not ever alone in this world, in anything I think or do.

Blaise - I love the pictures. The pictures are 90% of the reason I like the game. But you have to go old-school. None of this "plainswalking" shit I've been hearing about.

Nikole - But I can't help it! It's the glasses. I had a HUGE thing for glasses when I was a kid. Also? Jeff Goldblum.

CarrieAnne - A cop sees a guy stabbing a prostitute. He tries to intervene and the guy looks up and him and yells "April fools!! She was already dead!!!"

Gigi - That made me think of how awesome it would be to be miniature and able to be carried around in a pocket! Like in "Honey I Shrunk the Kids" starring Rick Moranis.

Veronica - I always wanted a black lotus. That card is very valuable. I would have to assume that adding my face to it would only increase it's value.

Joe - I actually did try to make one with Bruce, but all of the pictures were tall and wide and I could just put Bruce's face in there and zooming out would almost be insulting to Bruce. Oh, and I love the PAIN in all caps. I felt strangely understood... because yes, it would be all in caps!

Ellie - I'm feeling more and more like reposting those pictures. I guess I underestimated you guys.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Ummm ... I have to go with the Christmas card. Because, you know, 'Tis the Season and all that shit.

Steam Me Up, Kid said...

Weeeeeeee!! Christmas blog!! This is my favorite thing ever!! Pretty lights!!

Wait. Don't go and change it so all the Christmas stuff is gone tomorrow and then it'll look like I came over here all high and commented.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

There are no words ...

Thank you a million times. This is way better than my lame SNOWMAN cards.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh my gosh! And you LINKED to me!! You are the best g.d. girlfriend ever.

mb said...

But my husband LOVES the Magic cards you made. He even printed one out and put it in his EDH deck. If you guess which one, will you PLEASE re-post them, if only so he can show all his friends how awesome they are? And then they can print them out too and use them in their EDH decks? Please Allie PLEASE!

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Good work with the convincing, mb!!

Homemaker Man said...

I am sending these out to my kids' playgroup

Ed Adams said...

LOVE YOUR DECORATIONS AND CARDS.

SORRY ABOUT THE FUCKING CAPS, I'M NOT REALLY SCREAMING AT YOU.

tactonrae said...

Amazing artwork and powers on the Magic cards. I would have totally cried if you didn't post them.

Tony said...

Yes! The return of Shark Bear! I would pay to have that card...Actually, I'd pay to have all of those cards. Amazing...

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Yeah, you could sell these Allie. I also think the members of the Urban Street Warrior's Club of AWESOMENESS would be interested in buying t-shirts with the logo on them.

OR, you could sell COFFEE MUGS with all of your artwork on them. Because if people are like me, they are addicted to coffee. And they lose/break a lot of mugs.

Sarah P said...

You should make a game and sell it on a Web site shop and make a shitload of money.
No joke.

mb said...

THANK YOU. It's a Christmas miracle!

Ruth said...

I just snorted sushi rice out my nose. Not pleasant! I hate it when I feel all rape-y

Bastion of Bedlam said...

I don't understand why Bruce isn't a Magic Card yet?

Bastion of Bedlam said...

Aww... I read the rest of the comments and now I feel strupid.